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Re: comedian Mitch Hedberg dead @ 37
"you know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show"
"i like an escalator, because an escalator can never break. it can only become stairs. you never see an 'escalator out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. sorry for the convenience.'"
"i wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one... so I got a cake"
"i don't have a girlfriend, i just know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that"
"i got into an argument with my girlfriend inside of a tent, and I tried to storm out but i couldn't slam the flap. how are you supposed to express your anger? zip it shut really quick?"
"i like to drink before the show... I like to have a couple drinks before I get on the stage. my alcoholism is like a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'damnit auto, you're an alcoholic!' 'damnit auto, you have lupus!'"
"my friend was like 'hey, you know what I like? I like mashed potatoes!' I said 'dude, you gotta give me time to guess!'"
"i was standing in the door at a casino, and the security guard came up to me and told me i had to move because I was blocking the fire exit. he thought that if there was a fire, i wasn't going to run."
"i can't floss my teeth, man. people say 'you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking' i say 'yes i do, it's as hard as trying to start flossing'"
"i like to smoke cigars, but i don't know a lot about them. i went to a cigar shop and asked for a cigar, and the guy asked what kind I liked. 'uhhh... it'saboys'"
"wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. if you're wearing a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
"i met a guy who reads scripts, so i wrote one and gave it to him, and he read it, and said he liked it, but said I should rewrite it. i said 'fuck that, i'll make a copy'"
"you know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show"
"i like an escalator, because an escalator can never break. it can only become stairs. you never see an 'escalator out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. sorry for the convenience.'"
"i wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one... so I got a cake"
"i don't have a girlfriend, i just know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that"
"i got into an argument with my girlfriend inside of a tent, and I tried to storm out but i couldn't slam the flap. how are you supposed to express your anger? zip it shut really quick?"
"i like to drink before the show... I like to have a couple drinks before I get on the stage. my alcoholism is like a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 'damnit auto, you're an alcoholic!' 'damnit auto, you have lupus!'"
"my friend was like 'hey, you know what I like? I like mashed potatoes!' I said 'dude, you gotta give me time to guess!'"
"i was standing in the door at a casino, and the security guard came up to me and told me i had to move because I was blocking the fire exit. he thought that if there was a fire, i wasn't going to run."
"i can't floss my teeth, man. people say 'you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking' i say 'yes i do, it's as hard as trying to start flossing'"
"i like to smoke cigars, but i don't know a lot about them. i went to a cigar shop and asked for a cigar, and the guy asked what kind I liked. 'uhhh... it'saboys'"
"wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. if you're wearing a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down"
"i met a guy who reads scripts, so i wrote one and gave it to him, and he read it, and said he liked it, but said I should rewrite it. i said 'fuck that, i'll make a copy'"
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