I guess this is some morbid shit.

[feather]

Sorry that was some heavy shit for MS.

[KiwiTollway]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

Feather,
I get what you're saying. The last few months I had with my dad mean everything to me. I talked him out of suicide twice, both times have become part of me, I'll never forget them. The frustration is immense. I know he must have felt my young, impressionable, somewhat naive consolation kind of pointless, regardless, I'm who he called and that is a privilege. His last few days, another privilege. We're all privileged to know each other in whatever way we allow.

One time when he was dying, he got the shakes. He was all alone in a house no one lived in but himself. He was scared, sick, dying, and he couldn't stop shaking... or crying one day. He told me he felt so cold it was impossible to get warm. (IN our family, we all hate to be cold.) So I layered him with blankets, long pants, socks, a sweater, he was still shaking and cold. He was literally cold from the inside out. So I got up on the bed & laid on top of all the blankets and clutched him with my arms and said "Daddy, I will warm you up." This was my father who was always so strong, huge muscles, and I just laid there until he felt better and was no longer cold. It didn't take long, he felt better, but I literally had to will it with my soul. Like you've done. That's what love does.

You know, you do what you can do. Being there for people is all that matters, not the ego bullshit of who's right, who's wrong, you just do what you can in the moment you're asked to do something. As long as you bring comfort in any form, it's alright. You didn't turn away from your ex and it sounds like she's pretty unhealthy lady. In those moments, you're the stronger one. But, you can't save her if her will is to let this life go. And who knows really? We think this life is so special and it's the only one we have, but no one really can say for sure. This could be the dream we're all waiting to wake up from. Seriously, we're all like 95% blank matter on a cellular level. So maybe only 5% of our souls are really here?

No one gets out of this alive and that's what really binds us all. Our lives seem so long, sometimes treacherous, but since it's all we can see, touch, hear, and smell, we buy into that it's all we have. Maybe we have alot more. Maybe we are creators of our own worlds and right now yours is being rearranged a bit. Maybe you're like a strong oak tree having some branches cut off so you can sprout new growth. Nothing is permanent, that's what's given. Nothing is a waste of time, other than bickering/fighting, and nothing is final. You might not see her again in this life, but she's part of you and you'll never forget her & she'll never forget you. Sometimes things are over, but that doesn't make the time you had a waste.

You are zeroing in on the most growth a person can face, making your intentions different from now on, making you different from now on. It all has purpose/meaning and is all meaningless.. that's non-duality. You're right, venting it here or anywhere helps and if there's anything I can do to help, you got it. When you get to the point in life where you are now, your consciousness grows to prepare you for the future your inner self wants/needs and is looking forward to. You're being prepared in minute detail for what's ahead for you, all the good your soul has in mind for you. THIS is all but a mist, a perfect existence that is here one minute, gone the next. Here to influence while we can and gone on to influence in other ways. We all influence each other constantly, awesome.

You're awesome just exactly, exactly, hear me EXACTLY the way you are. In fact, just exactly the way you are is the single most important aspect about you, not any image in your mind this world has projected onto you. Just keep on until your time is over naturally and look forward to the good times, joyous moments of surprise and delight, they are all coming, you'll see. In every moment, we're all either hanging on, fists clinched tightly to life, or letting go and surrendering to the next level, whatever that is. Experiencing what you don't want helps you hone into what you want. Your next relationship will be completely different than the one with your ex. You'll see.

And, we're all frauds, by the way.. it's impossible for us to really be ourselves because we're all in this world right now with all of our conditioning and futility. Find the people who look passed all of that and can see you clearly. That's what I do. There's aren't many, believe me, but I treasure those few. I hope your day gets better.

[KiwiTollway]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I am the vessel of his failed hopes, dreams, and ambitions.

No you're not. You're you. Our egos tell us all these silly things that we're the result of upbringing, environment, nurturing, how we look, what we've endured, etc... yes, that's all part of us, but it's not WHO WE ARE. At the core, we're our unique selves who have come to experience all life has to offer. Decide to mute your ego sometimes and be exactly who you want to be & content with that. If you can be content in all of the horrible circumstances (telling yourself: "I'm alive, I'm safe, I have a bed, I always feel pretty healthy, tomorrow is another day/chance, I'm here, I'm glad"... etc.), that ego doesn't have a chance to mess up your life; you always have you to count on!! Your ex counted on you heavily. Your parents counted on you in their ways. All those people can't be wrong, you're a pretty good you to count on!! Be easy on yourself. If it's a hot cup of tea or an icecream cone, your favorite movie or place to visit, savor some of life's pleasures right now & as often as you can, anything that makes your soul say "YES! Ahhhhhhh" because you're going through some tough shit!! Nurture your soul.

[Kamal]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I am the vessel of his failed hopes, dreams, and ambitions.

I cannot tell you Feather how this line has struck a chord with every fiber of my being, only difference is, I was never close to my dad growing up (for numerous reasons I would never put in black and white), but I feel like I failed myself in all that I wanted to be because of everything I never got what I hoped I would have, from him, as a father.

I hope it's a painless end for your dad if and when it comes, someone close to me passed away because they contracted pneumonia after getting a stroke, so I can sort of imagine where you are right now.

I'm here for you whenever you're back states-side, come on down to DC, I'll pick you up, stay with me for a few and get it out of your system if you need to. You know where to find me - and I do hope you will get in touch before you return to Singapore.

[KiwiTollway]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

crap!! I can't edit mine.......... way too heavy. really dislike the edit limits.

[Krystyan]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I feel you guys

[floridaorange]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I read it Feather, it's ok mate. I'm sending you a PM, since I know what I'm about to say will get trolled by specific individuals. And by trolled I mean shitted on.

[DIDI]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

^^^ Now who is paranoid. ???

I didn't read it but I for one respect feather enough not to be anything but perfectly serious here. I would be quite confident in saying that applies to the majority here. Serious thread , serious behaviour.

[floridaorange]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I didn't read it but I for one respect feather enough not to be anything but perfectly serious here.

stop stirring the pot Didi, my post is serious sweetheart.

[Micko]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

Sounds like you've been through a tough ole time - hope you're coping ok

[♫♫♫♫♫♫]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

I read it Feather, it's ok mate. I'm sending you a PM, since I know what I'm about to say will get trolled by specific individuals. And by trolled I mean shitted on.

Not everything is about you, you know!

[Zover]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

Poor old feather is going through some hard times, Florida turns it into a thread about himself.

[Kamal]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

Hi Chunky, I missed you.

[Illuminate]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

stop stirring the pot Didi, my post is serious sweetheart.

Dude, not cool.

[Illuminate]

Re: I guess this is some morbid shit.

Despite attempts to deviate from this thread and the one similar on depression, I must have a say on what I had found to have very similar experiences to Feather. I must firstly disclose that I am not a psychologist, and I cannot offer advice, nor claim a solution to the difficulties, but I can only share experiences and to know that the best methods are sometimes best discussed with others who you feel comfortable with. I feel as if it is best to structure this post into three categories, this being in the current context of [ms], and my experiences with a troubled lover, finally the experience I had had with my dad.

I can sense that your decompression had been largely propagated by current calamities, and the general nature in which we now share posts and threads on the forum. I may be part of the blame for being negative to others, and I still continue to do this, but I have tendency if not tenacity to question and criticise on what I see illogical, contradictive, and somewhat disarrayed fallacies on a public forum. I do apologise if this had provoked a sombre mood. I cannot really say I experienced the previous [ms] when it was just all bout the music and a more communal feel, but I do sometimes look through old threads and see some great experiences, which may significantly lack these days. However, change is inevitable, it is refreshing to see older members still contributing but as most have moved on it still perforates the purpose of being a EDM forum.

Moving on to the past girlfriend, who I had been with for a few years. She was initially a flat mate turn girlfriend; where at first we were getting along fine enjoyed her company, her intelligence, and was pleased to be with her. After she had learned that, her mother had been diagnosed with cancer and later passed away. From which, her mother had kept the cancer a secret from her for a long period, all hell did break loose. She was psychotic, extremely temperamental, inflicted self-harm close to a daily basis, and nearly had us both killed driving. I will admit that she did turn my life into an absolute misery, and for some reason I thought I was able to comfort her, to pass her through a difficult stage. I had taken it upon a challenge for myself to go as far as treat her psychologically. I read many books and guides as I can. Spoke to a close friend of mine about methodologies to treat her, as he was a psychiatrist. Worked on many methods of betterment, occasionally travelling away to get her away from the city environment, but I had believed this made it worse for her. During this period, many times, she attempted to jump off our balcony, and I always feared of coming home from work, to find her hopefully alive. In turn, it made my work extremely difficult, constant phone calls, leaving unitedly because you had gotten a message “fuck you I quit, your dinner might be cold when you get home.” I had personally morphed into an atrocity, as I would vent my frustrations on others for failing to deal with my partner. I now know, that what I was invectively blind by the mere fact that I had failed to ‘make her better.’ I wanted to be her knight, but had crudely failed if not made worse, when I had said to her to “go ahead and kill yourself, if she really wanted to do it so bad”; following this was a trip to the emergency department, later reconciled as one of the worst nights of my life. After this she had quit almost everything in her life including me, and her brother had taken her back home for her betterment and care. She has passed through her former self, we still speak to each other, and I hear she is doing well in her home city.

I had learnt a lot from this experience, the reason and meaning of love between two individuals, still baffle me, similarly, and another friend of mine was separated by his fiancée at his birthday party, which I was present at. Nevertheless, I was fortunate that she herself had not inflicted further harm, and was thoroughly cared for by her brother’s family and proper treatment. Following this, for I too had miserably been depressed and took the initiative to see a psychiatrist, as this was my friend I pursued advice on helping treat my partner. I had followed a treatment plan, and was on the way to seeing life in a more focused perspective, but things again changed a few months following this.

Shortly after all of this, my dad had suddenly passed away from a heart attack. In a demeaning way, I had always considered myself lucky, as I was not close with my dad, as he was a very reserved person and rarely did we ‘bond.’ The only real closeness I had gathered from him was his methods of illustrating ideas, as he was an academic he continually thought me on practicalities of life, from trading on the stock exchange, to appreciating literature and philosophy. As he passed, I did not initially feel his death, and only last year had I felt a missing presence of him in my life, two years after his death. I cannot remember where I had read that as children we have a familiarity for the boys to love their mothers greater than their fathers, vice versa on the girls loving their fathers. I could agree and feel a greater loss if I had lost my mother, but none the less he did mean a lot to me. It has been three years, but I can truly claim that I had overcome this loss; again, I consulted my friend for treatment and with his assistance and medication, I have moved passed some very sombre periods of my life.

I believe that professional help is effective be it an expensive measure, for I had personally been through this and had resulted in a positive outcome, possibly this could have been due to my psychiatrist being a good friend. I appreciate the efforts you are making with assisting your former partner, and your father, for both I believe would be very privileged on your presence and continual support.

Last year again was interesting for me, being subsided with pressures at work; I just quit, took a substantial pay cut, and now work in a smaller organisation with half of the stress. Personally, from all the experiences I had been through, I had observed one thing was how ‘change’ and ‘our environments’ contribute significantly on our psyche. We each have an ability to change others, and ourselves but it must hold virtue on the environment it is placed in, the influence, the results, and the expectations a change may hold can never really be told but seeking the good within our environments is what transcends us to moving forward. I had recently started volunteering again, and found this a moving experience, not from a self-indulgent aberration, but having the ability to meet people from all walks of life, sharing experiences and communal involvement is unfortunately what our species is about since our development of the opposable thumb. I encourage you to seek interests, of the like if possible and know that we as a community will always be there. If you ever return or pass through Sydney, you know where to find me.