i,ve asked kamal to ban my accounts on here as one of my email accounts was hacked and i,m not sure if it was my contact details for here ( haven't checked yet ), trying to get on with my life but i,m basically fucked with no future, can't find a job and can't afford to go back to college, since i was diagnosed with a mental health condition i,ve just been on self destruct ever since, only started drinking after that for the first time in my life, i despise alcohol and that made me go back to drugs again, almost died twice choking in my sleep, i still say they got it wrong, i have a story so unbelievable that no one believed it and even though i,ve been sectioned 2 or 3 times now my story has been consistent all the way through, a couple of strange things have happened recently, things like my ears started ringing even though i was listening to music at low levels, i thought i was going to have a stroke the other day after drinking water, i still say my music was stolen in some way and i even went to the government about it, it was the only thing i could do, what happened after that was just fucked, pretty scared to say this but i started to feel as if something was hitting my body out of nowhere and making my muscles twitch but that could of been my diet which was poor, i tried the police first and they did nothing, i was in a right state, i couldn't explain what had happened and was basically suffering from massive paranoia and was panicking so hard, i thought someone was trying to kill me at one point and i ran to Portugal, that experience was just fucked, i was basically out on the streets and in total fear for my life, that was completely screwed, i don't know how to explain it really but i started noticing things like body language and stuff in people and felt like some people were trying to help me and others were not, it felt like people were trying to direct me, it was completely crazy, i even slept in a van that a guy said he was using to smuggle tobacco, i really was that desperate, like i said earlier i was panicking so hard and suffering from complete paranoia, i found a thing on the internet about something similar that old german secret services used to try to drive people to suicide with and that explained the experience just too a tee, the doctors must of had a field day when they saw me as i would have been suffering from every symptom they are trained to spot and of course i had a history of drugs so they would of jumped on that right away, i still say i was set up, it would of been easy if you know what you're doing which i don't, i started to notice that my dad ( a psychiatric nurse with 37 years experience ) started to try to crack me in the same way they do in a mental ward, they use things that happen every day around you, things like coughs and doors banging and stuff, once you're locked into that you are constantly looking for it in everything you hear or see for life, it really fucks you up ( there really is no way out of that one, it just builds up frustration to the point where you snap, it's basically a form of torture *btw he's just started doing it again* ) and i was arrested by the police and taken to hospital and sectioned under the mental health act and stayed in hospital for 8 weeks, the medicine they gave me basically fucked my life more than the drugs i,ve took in my lifetime, made my brain flat, not somewhere you want to be as a musician, it also gave me other side effects that stopped me from getting on with my life ( lets not go there on that one ),it totally ruined it, i still say that was deliberate for a couple of reasons, that has played on my mind since 2003 or so and i still find it hard to deal with today, i still say what happened to me was real, started noticing similarities in the music i was writing in all the music i was listening to all over the place and started noticing things were happening tied to some of the things i was doing in my life or saying online, things like song names and albums, started hearing things in music i couldn't explain, voices hidden in sounds and vocals were changing all the time, certain lyrics stood out more than others, words like "stick in the wrist", i,m kind of scared to tell you that because it looks like i,m delusional, it was just happening to frequently, scared to tell my doctor that as well if i,m honest, it's hard to explain, i don't really want to talk about that until i see my doctor again, anyway don't want to go on about this any more
to be honest and i know this sounds like paranoia but i,m pretty fearful of my future, i stated noticing pictures of things like torture started to frequent in the websites i was visiting and even seen some child porn on 4chan, scared the shit out of me but i still went back without thinking i could of been set up
anyway i,ll check up on this thread for a little while and i,ll try to keep in touch with as many of you as possible in the future
to be honest and i know this sounds like paranoia but i,m pretty fearful of my future, i stated noticing pictures of things like torture started to frequent in the websites i was visiting and even seen some child porn on 4chan, scared the shit out of me but i still went back without thinking i could of been set up
anyway i,ll check up on this thread for a little while and i,ll try to keep in touch with as many of you as possible in the future
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