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Classics, every one... 
Top Tips....
>
> 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
> pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
> blockage is almost instantly removed.
>
> 2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> from going back to sleep.
>
> 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
> by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
> nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
>
> 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f*****g
> thing in the first place, you fat b******s.
>
> 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
> The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
drinking
a
> thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the
> wall.
>
> 7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
> by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the
> bath.
>
> 8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
> home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of
> bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
>
> 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
> ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it
> on.
>
> 10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
> drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in
a
> strange place the following morning; having had your memory
mysteriously
> 'erased'.
>
> 11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
> to what you want to look at.
>
> 12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
> the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>
> 13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
> direction of oncoming traffic.
>
> 14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
> lard.
>
> 15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
> eating cakes again.
>
> 16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
> ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
>
> 17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to
> your intended destination in the first place.
>
> 18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> inexpensive vibrator.
>
> 19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> steroids by running a bit slower.
>
> 20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
> simply p*ssing in the sink.
>
> 21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
> by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
>
> 22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
> steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
Quorn,
> meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know
> any difference.
>
> 23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
> doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
tell
> them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>
> 24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
> missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call
her
> by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
>
> 25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
> circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you
remove
the
> garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain
> and check that it has gone.
>
> 26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
> cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
>
> 27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
> 28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
> windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights
> and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
>
> 29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
> your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
>
> 30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
> ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and
parking
a
> JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
> lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with
a
> Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
>
> 31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save
> money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Top Tips....
>
> 1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
> pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
> blockage is almost instantly removed.
>
> 2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> from going back to sleep.
>
> 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
> by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
> 4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
> nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
>
> 5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f*****g
> thing in the first place, you fat b******s.
>
> 6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.
> The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by
drinking
a
> thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the
> wall.
>
> 7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
> by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the
> bath.
>
> 8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
> home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles
of
> bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
>
> 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
> ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it
> on.
>
> 10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
> drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in
a
> strange place the following morning; having had your memory
mysteriously
> 'erased'.
>
> 11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
> to what you want to look at.
>
> 12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
> the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>
> 13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
> direction of oncoming traffic.
>
> 14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
> lard.
>
> 15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
> eating cakes again.
>
> 16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
> ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
>
> 17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to
> your intended destination in the first place.
>
> 18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> inexpensive vibrator.
>
> 19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> steroids by running a bit slower.
>
> 20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
> simply p*ssing in the sink.
>
> 21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
> by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
>
> 22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
> steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
Quorn,
> meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know
> any difference.
>
> 23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
> doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,
tell
> them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
>
> 24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
> missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call
her
> by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
>
> 25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
> circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you
remove
the
> garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain
> and check that it has gone.
>
> 26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
> cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
>
> 27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
> 28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
> windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights
> and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
>
> 29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
> your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
>
> 30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
> ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and
parking
a
> JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
> lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with
a
> Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
>
> 31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save
> money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
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