Today's Funnies

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  • buckman
    Platinum Poster
    • Jun 2004
    • 2069

    Today's Funnies

    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
    are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter
    asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the
    tip of my finger."
    St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
    through the gate."
    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
    any contact with a penis?"
    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked
    one."
    St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
    the gate."
    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
    is pushing her way to the front of the line.
    When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to
    be the rush?"
    The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
    do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
    " Darkness Imprisioning Me
    All That I See
    Absolute Horror
    I Cannot Live
    I Cannot Die
    Trapped In Myself
    Body My Holding Cell"-James Hetfield(Metallica)


    soulseek sn buckman28
  • asdf_admin
    i use to be important
    • Jun 2004
    • 12798

    #2
    dead, yet alive.

    Comment

    • picklemonkey
      Double hoodie beer monster
      • Jun 2004
      • 15373

      #3
      Taken from Maxim
      • A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyways.

        The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.

        "One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.

        "That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it work, you've got another thing coming!"

        "Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."

      Comment

      • Yao
        DUDERZ get a life!!!
        • Jun 2004
        • 8167

        #4
        Re: Today's Funnies



        Those two made my last 2 minutes before crashing...
        Blowkick visual & graphic design - No Civilization. Now With Broadband.

        There are but three true sports -- bullfighting, mountain climbing, and motor-racing. The rest are merely games. -Hemingway

        Comment

        • shosh
          Banned
          • Jun 2004
          • 4668

          #5
          funny shit!

          Comment

          • clintlove
            Hey girl, ya Hungry?
            • Jun 2004
            • 3264

            #6
            Re: Today's Funnies

            A man and his young son decided to take a walk around the neighborhood block. The son is asking all the tipicle questions a boy his age usually asks. "Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green?" When they turn the corner, they see two dogs fucking in a front yard. The boys blurts out, "Daddy, daddy, what are those two dogs doing?" The dad replies, "Well son, they're making puppies." The boy doesn't quite understand, but continues to walk on.
            Later that night, the boy is still thinking about those two dogs. So he runs down the hallway to his parent room. He blasts into the room only to find his mom and dad having sex. He slowly asks, "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?" The dad thinks about what he said earlier to his son about the dogs. He replies, "Well son, were making babies." The boy thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, roll her over daddy, I want puppies!"

            Music is the answer, to your problems. Keep on movin', till you solve them.

            sigpic

            Comment

            • MJ
              Here since 2002
              • Jun 2004
              • 6560

              #7
              Originally posted by picklemonkey
              Taken from Maxim
              • A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyways.

                The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.

                "One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.

                "That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it work, you've got another thing coming!"

                "Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."

              :ROFLMAO:
              mjwebhosting you know it makes sense



              Silentium est aureum

              Comment

              • picklemonkey
                Double hoodie beer monster
                • Jun 2004
                • 15373

                #8
                A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically.'

                "Easy," says his father. "First, ask Mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

                The boy runs off, then comes back and says "She said yes."

                "Now go ask your sister the same question." advises the father

                Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "She said yes."

                "So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father. "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."

                Comment

                • Culeco
                  Fresh Peossy
                  • Sep 2005
                  • 12

                  #9
                  Re: Today's Funnies

                  Originally posted by buckman
                  A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
                  are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter
                  asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
                  She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the
                  tip of my finger."
                  St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
                  through the gate."
                  St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
                  any contact with a penis?"
                  The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked
                  one."
                  St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
                  the gate."
                  All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
                  is pushing her way to the front of the line.
                  When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to
                  be the rush?"
                  The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
                  do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

                  Funnnnyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  Comment

                  • Pataky P
                    asdf_imo
                    • Jun 2004
                    • 1966

                    #10
                    Re: Today's Funnies

                    This is very intresting for me ,but thanks!

                    Comment

                    • bart_smastard
                      Gold Gabber
                      • May 2005
                      • 980

                      #11
                      Re: Today's Funnies

                      stevie wonder is doing a concert tour in asia and the first event is in japan . so he comes out on stage and says before he gets into what he's planned for the night are there any requests . alot of shouting is heard but the loudest person bing a little jappanese guy at the front . "a jazz chord " says the lil fella .. so steve is impressed with this because jazz is his passion and the stuff he puts out on label is just for selling albums .. so steve sits down at his piano and lets goes down the scale of G and does a great lil bit of improv for a minute or so .. happy with that he asks are there any more requests .only to hear the same vioce shouting "a jazz chord" a bit miffed but still persistant in pleasing the guy he shouts to his band to play in b sharp and they do a fantastic 3 minute jazz peice .. only for stevie to yet again here that same vioce shout "a jazz chord " . stevie mightly pissed off with this by now shouts to the guy .. "ok then u show me what u want " the lil fella jumps on stage ripping the mic from stevies hand and begins to sing " a jazz chord to say i ruv you .i jazz chord to say how much i care ................

                      Comment

                      • Fun Boy(eat me)
                        Fresh Peossy
                        • Jun 2005
                        • 23

                        #12
                        Originally posted by picklemonkey
                        A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically.'

                        "Easy," says his father. "First, ask Mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

                        The boy runs off, then comes back and says "She said yes."

                        "Now go ask your sister the same question." advises the father

                        Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "She said yes."

                        "So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father. "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."


                        f****** hilarious man....tnx, my noon is getting better now
                        cuack!

                        Comment

                        • shosh
                          Banned
                          • Jun 2004
                          • 4668

                          #13
                          A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the
                          attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and waved hello to him.
                          He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

                          although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
                          says, "sorry do you know me?"
                          She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of
                          one of my children!"
                          His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful.
                          "Good grief" he says "Are you the stripper from my stag party? The
                          one I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
                          friend whipped me with wet celery?"
                          "No" she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"

                          Comment

                          • picklemonkey
                            Double hoodie beer monster
                            • Jun 2004
                            • 15373

                            #14
                            Originally posted by shosh
                            A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the
                            attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and waved hello to him.
                            He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

                            although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
                            says, "sorry do you know me?"
                            She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of
                            one of my children!"
                            His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful.
                            "Good grief" he says "Are you the stripper from my stag party? The
                            one I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
                            friend whipped me with wet celery?"
                            "No" she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"


                            him: "Oh. you're brandon's english teacher? "
                            her: "no, I'm josh's english teacher..."
                            him: "oh. you must be thinking of someone else"
                            ...and neeeever show your face at that school again

                            Comment

                            • maddlingo
                              Platinum Poster
                              • Jun 2004
                              • 1035

                              #15
                              A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

                              They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

                              Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

                              SO................................................ ..............

                              THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'................BE HAPPY
                              "Dream as if you''ll live forever, Live as if you''ll die today." -- James Dean --

                              Comment

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