More Chuck Norris

[mixu]

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't #$%! with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.


The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.


When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."


Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.


Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and #$%! on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.


Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can ?accidentally? beat the #$%! out of little kids.


Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris doesn?t see dead people. He makes people dead.


Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

[qwerty2222]

Re: More Chuck Norris

keep them coming man, pure gold

[peloquin]

Re: More Chuck Norris

class!

[maddlingo]

Re: More Chuck Norris

I'm laughing so hard at this my eyes are tearing up.

[BSully828]

Re: More Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Even Chuck Norris doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Chuck ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Chuck Norris. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Chuck Norris was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Chuck punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

Chuck Norris ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

[Troklo]

Re: More Chuck Norris

:ROFLMAO:thats just to much!

[Garrick]

Re: More Chuck Norris

here's the link

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

[3d_1200]

Re: More Chuck Norris

i can't believe they pulled out an oregan trail reference, too good.

[Jenks]

Re: More Chuck Norris

:ROFLMAO:

oh man, TOO much.

[Garrick]

Re: More Chuck Norris

you guys realize that site also has Mr. T and vin diesel? those are also freakin hilarious.

[qwerty2222]

Re: More Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

[cowardly dj]

Re: More Chuck Norris

I wish I had a picture of my dad to post because he looks alot like Chuck

[Garrick]

Re: More Chuck Norris

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.



and mr. t


Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.687.4There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

[peloquin]

Re: More Chuck Norris

"There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team."

lol