Privacy 101

[KinKyJ]

So I was wondering...

Erzina and yours truly have this kind of agreement. We know every dirty little secret about each other and we're completely open and honest to each other (damn, finally I get to hook a girl who's as kinky, if not kinkier, as/than me )...

However, one thing I made clear from the beginning: I don't want her password to her private e-mail and she can't have mine. Same thing for out cell phones: I don't go through her message/contact memory, she doesn't touch my phone.

She did insist on giving me her pass though, but I'm keeping things black and white for once: I trust her, so I don't give a damn who mails/texts/calls her and vice versa I have nothing to hice, so I don't see the point of her checking my archives.

To me it's a matter of mutual trust: you're an open book to your partner, but that doesn't mean you tossed the right to have your own little space.

Erzina was quite surprised by my point of view since Albanian guys immedeatly (fuck the fact that I've spelt it wrong) erase every guy from their girlfriend's phone memory (apart from the family members). Hell, when we dat down on a terrace in Ohrid, there were two Albo couples next to us and one of the girls received a call? Like instantly, her boyfriend snatches her phone and start questioning her about the call. Erzina was like "ahhhh, why don't yoou ever treat me that way baby?" But I was like: "Hokey, you can piss on us Western people for having so many divorces, but at least belting our wives isn't an obvious option like in Turkey and what not...

Anyway: the topic of this thread is: how do you / would you handle privacy in your own relationship? Do you think it's ok to check your girl's mobile? Do you think it's ok if she checks your mail?

As for me, I've floated on blind trust since day 1 (sounds naieve, but I trust the slut ) and I think apart from the mutual circle you need to have some personal space either way in order to live a healthy life...

Speak your mind married and committed people. But the singles can have their sat too of course

[KinKyJ]

Re: Privacy 101

Oh btw, little detail which might've influenced me: I've had a 5 yr relationship with a girl who was jealous up to a pathological level. After a while, I started to lie automatically even though I had done nothing wrong. Just to keep the peace.

That experience triggers an extreme response of aversion even when they just mean well.

Bottom line: if you think oyu can't go through life together without trusting each other to the bone... Stay single...

[Jibgolly]

Re: Privacy 101

But I was like: "Hokey, you can piss on us

[GLD]

Re: Privacy 101

hm as for me, i'm with the girl since three and a half years now and i know the password for email account and i could have checked her mobile multiple times but honestly i did never ever come across the idea to do so.
i have the ultimate trust in her though beeing one of the most jealous guys around.

[GregWhelan]

Re: Privacy 101

Trust is where it's at, otherwise there is no point. I wouldn't go through her phone and wouldn't let her go through mine. Same for e-mail.

Kinkyj - you're a lucky man to find someone so trusting mate

[filthy]

Re: Privacy 101

one of my ex-girlfriends used to not only go through my phone but also read my email and even pm's at messageboards. this proved to be an valuable lesson for me in that way that i got to see how that kind of behaviour can destroy an in other ways healthy relationship. as kinky mentioned her ways kinda forced me into lies even though there really was no reason for them.

well.. at least i got rid of my jealousy and later on i have chosen to trust my gf's and with that i have had much better relationships.

so my thoughts are: when either one in an relationship feel the need to control the other parts mail, phone or whatever.. well then it's time to find some on else.

[thesightless]

Re: Privacy 101

as my man once said ''its always just a matter of trust"

[KinKyJ]

Re: Privacy 101

Filthy, I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one who has had that experience. As for the effect on the relationship: I got so frustrated by her constant checking up and control obsession that I became very agressive during fights. Hell, I even grabbed her by the throat once and put her against a wall, feet 20cm above the floor. I got scared of myself at that point.

But it does not only destroy a healthy relationship, it also fucks up your personality big time. Before I met that girl, I had tons of friends and was the life of the party. After I broke up with her I looked around myself and noticed there was nobody left. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed my selfesteem had hit rock bottom. It took me more than a year to get my act back together again and become my old self again.

[FM]

Re: Privacy 101

I find it amusing she asked you to "treat" her that way after your little observation experience there...sounds like she was still testing you in a way, which women do all the time regardless. But, your nonchalance about it all...well, I'm willing to bet that's what got her attracted to you in the first place.

In any event, mutual trust is good to have...but you should have that tendency to not so much act "cool" about it, but more of a secure/self-confident knowledge in the fact that
she's not going to leave you...I mean, you don't need to know EVERY little thing that goes on; that's when things start crossing the line.

Haha next time she gets a call like that I'd be like, he seems cool, you should invite him over for a 3-way or something...

[neoee]

Re: Privacy 101

I don't have any formal agreement with my g/f but it basically works like this: she does not have access to my passwords but if she wanted I would log her into my mail account at any time and let her look. She could look at my phone if she wants. She has never asked to do either.

I have her mail password only because she uses the same password for everything and sometimes needs help on the computer doing stuff where I need to know her password (besides she knows im fully capable of retriving her passwords even if I didn't know, but wanted to ). If I wanted I'm free to look at her phone but don't really care to.

We both trust each other and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was in an unstable relationship with a psycho chick a while ago. She didn't trust me and because of that I didn't trust her. You must have dated the same chick Kinky, since she would do things to try and get me to hit her. Cops were involved many times. My self-esteem was low so I stayed. I've had many healthy relationships and the one that was a clusterfuck. I've never been an abusive person but that chick could make me one (similar to your story).

[KinKyJ]

Re: Privacy 101

^^^ true. even though she makes you feel completely miserable, you still stay with her and put up with the shit she pulls on you. Weird that a person can get such a grip on you...

@FM: hehehe, nah man she wasn't testing me at all. She said it in a sarcastic way to make fun of the albanian couple. And yes, even though I sometimes feel like I could give her a little more attention or what not, she's completely blown off her socks by the way I treat her.

I didn't get that at first. But I did when I heard how albo guys in general treat their girlfriends. Erzina never had a boyfriend before me (because of that), but she did have a crush on a guy at her university. Now you should know that she's a very social person with a razorsharp sense of humor and a strong personality. I love those things in a girl, but that guy was like: "you talk too much, you go out too much, your clothes are too provocative, can't you hang out with girls instead of with guys? you're being too social, ..."

nah, we were talking about that stuff a few days ago and even though I'm the reason why her family will probably break all ties with her, I'm happy that we've run into each other. she's such a great person she deserves a partner who lets her free and adores and respects her for the way she is. I'm sure the alternative (hooking up with an albo guy) would've made her parents and family happy, but she'd be condemned to a way of life that would've killed her in the end... literally.