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Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
We've all been there.
We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
itcame from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
FLY BY -The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check
for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a ...
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen.f you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK - When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up = the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Pooers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS - A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON. A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET. A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Spends
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
We've all been there.
We've all kicked back at our desks and suddenly felt something brewing down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
itcame from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
FLY BY -The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check
for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a ...
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen.f you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK - When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up = the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Pooers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS - A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON. A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET. A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Spends
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
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