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Most all of us have been there. We look up in the rear view mirror to witness the seizure-inducing flash of red and blue lights (or sometimes just blue). The adrenaline starts pumping and our stomachs turn over. We're already asking questions of ourselves before we even face the officer's.
What did I do?
Why won't this flatfoot give me 25mph over like all the other cops?
What if he finds the kilo of heroin in the glove box?
What if he finds the two Peruvian belly-dancers in the trunk?
Did I pay my insurance last month?
If I slip him a 50(cent CD, pirated), will he let me go?
Well, here are ten tips to make sure that both you and the officer(s) have a fun, somewhat safe and pleasurable experience:
1) Before and up until the officer approaches the vehicle, make erratic and sudden movements. Reach under your seat, the passenger seat and throw loose papers and other items around. This lets the officer know that this will be an exciting stop and that you have something to hide. Because we all know you do.
2) Refuse to turn the vehicle off. When the officer first approaches your side window, act completely startled and off-guard. This is the proper time to scream, cover your face and/or throw something else. Rev the motor, too; cops live for pursuits. It validates all their hard training.
3) Under no circumstances do you roll your window down. You can and should also turn your stereo up to full volume. When they instruct you to roll the window down, lock the doors and act like you can't hear them, because you can't. Cops hate cooperation and compliance and doing the opposite will let them know that you take shit from no man, badge or not.
4) Turn the stereo down and barely open your window. Ask to see a current driver's license, social security card, birth certificate and proof of legal residence. The DMV does it; why can't you? Rev the motor again as he replies to drown out his sorry excuses as to why he won't. If they're showing perturbation, then you're well on your way to being... well, on your way.
5) Scream obscenities and threats to your imaginary children in the back seat while completely ignoring the officer. If there are real children in the back seat, this tactic will be even more effective. If the children are imaginary, pretend to yank one up front and beat them about the head and shoulders or stab them with a sharp object. Remember, all cops are child abusers, so this will make them relate to you.
6) Turn the car off and immediately start it again. Do this repeatedly while looking at your watch, showing it to the officer and tapping the face of it. This lets them know that you're a busy person and have no time for pesky laws. Alternatively, put the car in gear and roll forward a few feet, stop and laugh hysterically, then whine about missing a day spa appointment. Do this several times.
7) Should the officer draw their weapon on you, roll your window down, move very swiftly and put your finger in the barrel. The Bugs Bunny nostalgia this induces in the officer will make them more sympathetic to your plight.
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Tips 1-7 are inclusive to each other and can be used in many different combinations. Tips 8-10 are independent but can still be used with many of these tips. Improvisation is the key to making sure the officer will always remember you.
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If you are alone in the vehicle and the officer hasn't approached yet, climb into any seat but the driver's without leaving the car. When the officer approaches, act like you're asleep but rouse suddenly and violently when he knocks on the window. This should initially confuse the officer and also give them a good scare. Cops love scary, confusing movies.
9) Wait until he approaches the vehicle then speed away. In the middle of the ensuing pursuit, pull into a gas station and quickly start to pump fuel into your vehicle with a lit cigarette in your mouth. Make sure to spill plenty on the ground and scream at the officer(s) to stay back or you'll "torch this motherfucker".
10) Immediately after being pulled over, jump out of the vehicle and start to run away at a full sprint. After 100 feet or so, stop running, turn around, give the officer a big smile and make fake guns with your index fingers. Often, a "Gotcha!" is just what the officer needed to brighten up his dull day. If he tackles, tasers or pepper sprays you, he's just a cocksucker with no sense of humor and you should launch a completely unfounded Internal Affairs investigation on him when you get out of jail. This investigation, whether founded or not, will always be on his record and ensure that he remains a lowly beat cop for the rest of his law enforcement career. He could even be demoted to prisoner transport, but one day he'll look back on it and laugh...
...while standing over your freshly strangled corpse. Another IA investigation will follow and you'll STILL get the last laugh.
What did I do?
Why won't this flatfoot give me 25mph over like all the other cops?
What if he finds the kilo of heroin in the glove box?
What if he finds the two Peruvian belly-dancers in the trunk?
Did I pay my insurance last month?
If I slip him a 50(cent CD, pirated), will he let me go?
Well, here are ten tips to make sure that both you and the officer(s) have a fun, somewhat safe and pleasurable experience:
1) Before and up until the officer approaches the vehicle, make erratic and sudden movements. Reach under your seat, the passenger seat and throw loose papers and other items around. This lets the officer know that this will be an exciting stop and that you have something to hide. Because we all know you do.
2) Refuse to turn the vehicle off. When the officer first approaches your side window, act completely startled and off-guard. This is the proper time to scream, cover your face and/or throw something else. Rev the motor, too; cops live for pursuits. It validates all their hard training.
3) Under no circumstances do you roll your window down. You can and should also turn your stereo up to full volume. When they instruct you to roll the window down, lock the doors and act like you can't hear them, because you can't. Cops hate cooperation and compliance and doing the opposite will let them know that you take shit from no man, badge or not.
4) Turn the stereo down and barely open your window. Ask to see a current driver's license, social security card, birth certificate and proof of legal residence. The DMV does it; why can't you? Rev the motor again as he replies to drown out his sorry excuses as to why he won't. If they're showing perturbation, then you're well on your way to being... well, on your way.
5) Scream obscenities and threats to your imaginary children in the back seat while completely ignoring the officer. If there are real children in the back seat, this tactic will be even more effective. If the children are imaginary, pretend to yank one up front and beat them about the head and shoulders or stab them with a sharp object. Remember, all cops are child abusers, so this will make them relate to you.
6) Turn the car off and immediately start it again. Do this repeatedly while looking at your watch, showing it to the officer and tapping the face of it. This lets them know that you're a busy person and have no time for pesky laws. Alternatively, put the car in gear and roll forward a few feet, stop and laugh hysterically, then whine about missing a day spa appointment. Do this several times.
7) Should the officer draw their weapon on you, roll your window down, move very swiftly and put your finger in the barrel. The Bugs Bunny nostalgia this induces in the officer will make them more sympathetic to your plight.
----------
Tips 1-7 are inclusive to each other and can be used in many different combinations. Tips 8-10 are independent but can still be used with many of these tips. Improvisation is the key to making sure the officer will always remember you.
----------
If you are alone in the vehicle and the officer hasn't approached yet, climb into any seat but the driver's without leaving the car. When the officer approaches, act like you're asleep but rouse suddenly and violently when he knocks on the window. This should initially confuse the officer and also give them a good scare. Cops love scary, confusing movies. 9) Wait until he approaches the vehicle then speed away. In the middle of the ensuing pursuit, pull into a gas station and quickly start to pump fuel into your vehicle with a lit cigarette in your mouth. Make sure to spill plenty on the ground and scream at the officer(s) to stay back or you'll "torch this motherfucker".
10) Immediately after being pulled over, jump out of the vehicle and start to run away at a full sprint. After 100 feet or so, stop running, turn around, give the officer a big smile and make fake guns with your index fingers. Often, a "Gotcha!" is just what the officer needed to brighten up his dull day. If he tackles, tasers or pepper sprays you, he's just a cocksucker with no sense of humor and you should launch a completely unfounded Internal Affairs investigation on him when you get out of jail. This investigation, whether founded or not, will always be on his record and ensure that he remains a lowly beat cop for the rest of his law enforcement career. He could even be demoted to prisoner transport, but one day he'll look back on it and laugh...
...while standing over your freshly strangled corpse. Another IA investigation will follow and you'll STILL get the last laugh.
