Emergency Room stories

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  • RiseandShine
    Are you Kidding me??
    • Sep 2006
    • 2910

    Emergency Room stories

    don't know if real but great ones:

    - A middle aged woman was treated in an ER somewhere in Southern England
    with a statuette of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson stuck up her vagina.
    In her defence she claimed "she was dusting the pelmet with no knickers on,
    slipped and fell onto the statuette which was on top of the piano."

    - A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
    restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had
    hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had
    gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
    crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
    While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to
    clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
    desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

    - A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
    while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
    halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a
    suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
    discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He
    had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

    - In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
    complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and it bit him during
    sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a
    surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

    - A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
    erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many
    brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard.
    He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much
    fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to his senses, he was a
    casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his
    testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe
    painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days.
    They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going
    to be his last.

    - In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina.
    She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her
    doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter,"
    she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of
    jelly she had used. She replied, "Grape."

    - A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid
    problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was
    in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion,
    the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them
    the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
    squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before
    it could be removed.

    - A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He
    said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when
    his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
    The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
    anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed
    along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

    - "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
    only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
    doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
    Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
    admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
    seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
    Raggot, our gerbil, in, "he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
    "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
    he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
    thinking the light might attract him."
    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
    next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
    the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.
    It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
    larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
    like a cannonball."
    Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
    of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
    anus and lower intestinal tract.

    - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
    accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
    by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
    whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
    Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
    two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

    Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
    and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
    "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close
    to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
    have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did
    see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
    corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
    technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
    against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
    cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
    Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
    medical building.

    A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
    birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
    a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
    translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
    suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
    candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
    one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
    to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
    Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
    foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

    - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
    center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
    drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
    dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
    dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
    three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
    opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
    episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
    seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
    phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
    rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
    to find an answering machine in there"

    - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
    when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
    the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
    grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
    bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
    discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
    continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
    lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
    Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
    lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
    ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
    was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
    "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
    other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

    - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an
    attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several
    nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
    about the bruises about his head and chest he said
    that they were from him ramming himself into
    the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
    explode.
    - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a
    complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic
    exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a
    whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
    safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children
    she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a
    baby.

    - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on
    himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.
    The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
    genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good
    condition. The police were dispatched to the man's
    house and the search was on. During the search one
    of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the
    man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a
    brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's
    jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the
    parts by the urologist it was decided that the man
    would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you
    know what I mean) The officer was given a
    commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

    - A woman with shortness on breath and who
    weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the
    ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress
    the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
    under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass
    on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
    was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not
    least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
    discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She
    became known as "The Human Couch".

    - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a
    car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in
    the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman
    to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
    the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
    had to be restrained. What the doctor should have
    been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
    saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"


    - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the
    ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled
    back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed
    through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly
    folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.
    When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the
    nurse gave him back his belongings and told him
    where she had found the money. His response: "It
    was a fifty, bitch!"

    - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I
    got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).
    A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six
    inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
    inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
    vault. It was easily removed and looked very much
    like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient
    said that her uterus was falling out and that
    she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot
    about it.


    - A young female came to the ER with lower
    abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
    female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
    her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back
    positive. The doctor went back to the young female's
    room.
    Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
    back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually
    active?"
    Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
    Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
    Patient: "No. Who?"


    - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at
    home and was rushed to the hospital. After about
    thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts
    the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went
    to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother
    didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they
    be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

    - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his
    mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down
    from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
    injected into his veins with needles he had been
    sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the
    doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
    have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The
    boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've
    been fucking the dog?"

    - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the
    ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having
    sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
    retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and
    "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

    - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his
    bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb
    above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained
    heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to
    remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called
    police.
    They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he
    was fine and in no need of assistance.
    Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection,
    causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed
    without damage to it or the sink.

    - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma
    center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
    drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
    dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
    the dog and sat down right on the thing."
    The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the
    cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was
    a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe.
    "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.
    Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he
    made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the
    time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine
    in there."

    - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
    bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an
    accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been
    vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been
    distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that," he
    said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never
    do. I guess I'll get around to it now."
    He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device
    caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight
    stay at the clinic.

    - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging
    in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on
    his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.
    Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and
    testicles.
    Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
    half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
    the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back,
    tearing away the penis.
    While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him
    to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
    Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just
    plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the
    penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very
    fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
    excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from
    its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis
    per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.
    Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb
    because of this."
    If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is: infinite. - William Blake
  • Yao
    DUDERZ get a life!!!
    • Jun 2004
    • 8167

    #2
    Re: Emergency Room stories

    Originally posted by RiseandShine
    In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

    Seriously...stopped reading for a bit to regain my senses after this one. FECKING OUCH OUCH OUCH DON'T TOUCH MY PENISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
    Blowkick visual & graphic design - No Civilization. Now With Broadband.

    There are but three true sports -- bullfighting, mountain climbing, and motor-racing. The rest are merely games. -Hemingway

    Comment

    • chanty
      John, John, where art thou!
      • Jun 2004
      • 4622

      #3
      Re: Emergency Room stories

      ^^Don't think about it the next time you have sex!
      Awww...I didn't mean A holes, as in "A holes"...I meant it like, as in, my friends....

      Comment

      • threehills
        I heart Lollergirl
        • Jun 2005
        • 3641

        #4
        Re: Emergency Room stories

        I've spent a lot of time working in ERs, and hope to make a career as an ER doc. Some of the craziest shit I've seen with my own eyes.

        Not int he ER, but the children's hospital, a 15 year old called a hooker up to his room and fucked her in a conference room. Maybe you heard about it on Leno or Letterman. He stiffed her too!

        Two rival gang members were brought to ER after being in an altercation at a nearby night club. Needless to say, the oposing homies both came to see their "boys". Needless to say there was a HUGE brawl in the waiting room.

        Once, I personally wrestled a 200 lb naked woman to the ground in front of a waiting room full of people.

        Lots of other stories from the psych ER, but thats to be expected in there.
        It's never too late to become the person you always thought you would be.

        Comment

        • thesightless
          Someone will marry me. Hell Yeah!
          • Jun 2004
          • 13567

          #5
          Re: Emergency Room stories

          dude, that had to be the single funniest experience of those doctors lives. could you imagine standing there, holding the clamp and the ringer goes off??.... i wouldnt be able to hold it together and preform surgury... and the guy sitting there...watching all these people with scalpels shitting thier pants laughing.... so he cracks some jokes.... if i were the doc, i would have used a othroscopic instrument to hit the speaker phone on.

          ""WHAT?you sound like your in a tunnel""


          Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
          center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
          drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
          dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
          dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
          three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
          opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
          episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
          seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
          phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
          rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
          to find an answering machine in there
          your life is an occasion, rise to it.

          Join My Chant. new mix. april 09. dirty fuck house.
          download that. deep shit listed there

          my dick is its own superhero.

          Comment

          • rainman
            Platinum Poster
            • Dec 2005
            • 1869

            #6
            Re: Emergency Room stories

            there's some pretty funny shit in there. didnt read them all, not enough time in the day to read and play games-my apologies if the following is a repost from above

            told this story from a friend who used to work in the er-
            to guys come into the er- one complaining of intestinal burns, the other has a broken nose with spots of shit smeared on his face. the story goes as one of the two inserted a cardboard tube into the others ass to let their pet gerbil climb in. apparently once in, the gerbil got scared and wouldnt come out. after much thought, one had the bright idea to light a match, hoping the gerbil would see the light and run towards it. instead, the flame ignited intestinal gasses, which ended up causing a cannon effect, launching the gerbil out of dudes ass and causing severe burns to the lining of the intestinal walls. when said shit covered gerbil was shot out of dudes ass, it came out with so much force that it broke the other dudes nose. thus the shit on his face and the broken nose.

            dont know how much credibility there is to it, but still damn funny

            Comment

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