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don't know if real but great ones:
- A middle aged woman was treated in an ER somewhere in Southern England
with a statuette of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson stuck up her vagina.
In her defence she claimed "she was dusting the pelmet with no knickers on,
slipped and fell onto the statuette which was on top of the piano."
- A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had
hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had
gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to
clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a
suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He
had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
- In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and it bit him during
sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
- A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many
brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard.
He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much
fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to his senses, he was a
casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe
painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days.
They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going
to be his last.
- In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina.
She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her
doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter,"
she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of
jelly she had used. She replied, "Grape."
- A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was
in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion,
the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them
the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before
it could be removed.
- A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He
said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when
his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed
along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.
- "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in, "he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
"Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.
It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.
- Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close
to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did
see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.
A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
- Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there"
- Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an
attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said
that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a
complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic
exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children
she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a
baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on
himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.
The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good
condition. The police were dispatched to the man's
house and the search was on. During the search one
of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the
man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a
brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's
jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the
parts by the urologist it was decided that the man
would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you
know what I mean) The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who
weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the
ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress
the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not
least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She
became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a
car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in
the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained. What the doctor should have
been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the
ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled
back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed
through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly
folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.
When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the
nurse gave him back his belongings and told him
where she had found the money. His response: "It
was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I
got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).
A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six
inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
vault. It was easily removed and looked very much
like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient
said that her uterus was falling out and that
she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot
about it.
- A young female came to the ER with lower
abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back
positive. The doctor went back to the young female's
room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually
active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at
home and was rushed to the hospital. After about
thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts
the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went
to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother
didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they
be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his
mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down
from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been
sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the
doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The
boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've
been fucking the dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the
ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having
sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
- Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his
bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb
above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained
heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to
remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called
police.
They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he
was fine and in no need of assistance.
Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection,
causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed
without damage to it or the sink.
- Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
the dog and sat down right on the thing."
The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the
cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was
a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe.
"Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.
Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he
made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the
time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine
in there."
- A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an
accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been
vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been
distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that," he
said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never
do. I guess I'll get around to it now."
He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device
caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight
stay at the clinic.
- Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging
in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on
his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.
Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and
testicles.
Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back,
tearing away the penis.
While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him
to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just
plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the
penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very
fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from
its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis
per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.
Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb
because of this."
- A middle aged woman was treated in an ER somewhere in Southern England
with a statuette of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson stuck up her vagina.
In her defence she claimed "she was dusting the pelmet with no knickers on,
slipped and fell onto the statuette which was on top of the piano."
- A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had
hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had
gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to
clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a
suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He
had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
- In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and it bit him during
sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
- A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many
brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard.
He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much
fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to his senses, he was a
casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe
painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days.
They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going
to be his last.
- In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina.
She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her
doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter,"
she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of
jelly she had used. She replied, "Grape."
- A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was
in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion,
the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them
the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before
it could be removed.
- A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He
said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when
his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed
along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.
- "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in, "he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
"Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.
It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact
of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his
anus and lower intestinal tract.
- Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close
to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did
see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.
A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
- Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there"
- Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an
attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said
that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin
explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a
complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic
exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children
she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a
baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on
himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.
The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good
condition. The police were dispatched to the man's
house and the search was on. During the search one
of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the
man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a
brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's
jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the
parts by the urologist it was decided that the man
would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you
know what I mean) The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who
weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the
ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress
the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not
least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She
became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a
car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in
the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained. What the doctor should have
been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the
ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled
back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed
through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly
folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.
When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the
nurse gave him back his belongings and told him
where she had found the money. His response: "It
was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I
got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).
A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six
inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
vault. It was easily removed and looked very much
like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient
said that her uterus was falling out and that
she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot
about it.
- A young female came to the ER with lower
abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back
positive. The doctor went back to the young female's
room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually
active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at
home and was rushed to the hospital. After about
thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts
the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went
to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother
didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they
be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his
mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down
from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been
sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the
doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The
boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've
been fucking the dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the
ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having
sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
- Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his
bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb
above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained
heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to
remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called
police.
They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he
was fine and in no need of assistance.
Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection,
causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed
without damage to it or the sink.
- Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
the dog and sat down right on the thing."
The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the
cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was
a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe.
"Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.
Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he
made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the
time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine
in there."
- A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an
accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been
vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been
distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that," he
said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never
do. I guess I'll get around to it now."
He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device
caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight
stay at the clinic.
- Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging
in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on
his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.
Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and
testicles.
Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a
half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back,
tearing away the penis.
While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him
to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just
plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the
penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very
fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from
its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis
per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.
Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb
because of this."
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