A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"


God: "To me, it's about a minute."


The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"


God: "To me it's a penny."


The man: "God, may I have a penny?"


God: "Wait a minute."

[GregWhelan]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ Quality - you are the joke king RiseandShine

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

cheers Greg, here's another one for you:


A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.


Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."


The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."

A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.

A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.

Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."

"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.

On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."

"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.

As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ hahaha

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs.. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs.. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr.. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs.. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.


Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”


Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!


Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”


Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”


Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.


She said to her husband, "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."


He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[88Mariner]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor Wh....Oh wait a minute, this is that lame Doctor Who joke isnt it? Go fuck yourself mate. I aint falling for this old chestnut, you unoriginal cunt. People like you get right on my tits, thinking your funny just because you go retro with the jokes. Fuck right off.

No actually I'm a real Doctor. Doctor Hudson. I'm here to tell you we did everything to save your wife, but I'm afriad she died on the operating table. I bet you wish I was Doctor fucking Who now, don't you, then I'll be able to travel back in time and save the bitch.

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

[88Mariner]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ haha that's great!