A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.


He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


"Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.


Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank...I just married his damn widow."

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home. He remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:


Work out Barbie for $19.95


Shopping Barbie for $19.95


Beach Barbie for $19.95


Disco Barbie for $19.95


Divorced Barbie for $265.95


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The salesperson annoyingly answers:


"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.


"Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?" he asks. The two Texans just stare at him.


"Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent fran?ais?" The two continue to stare.


"parli italiano?" No response.


"?los di usted habla espa?ol?" Still nothing.


So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"


The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.


The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."


"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.

Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.


The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her gossiping, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.


She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.


Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.


Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.


You gotta love Henry.

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.

Q: How do you kill 1000 Mexicans?
A: Blow up their van.

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny,
but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock,
coz Jill's a f**kin tranny!

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........














"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I went to the foreign exchange the other day to change money. A little asian woman was standing in front of me agitated trying to change yen for dollars.

She asks the teller "why it change why it change?? Yesterday I got two hunat dolla for yen today i get hunat eighty!!!

The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuation"

The asian woman looks at him and say "fluc you white people too!"

[spartan]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day a man was looking at himself in the mirror and thought good god I have to something about THAT, he went to a plastic surgeon and asked about penis enlargement surgery. The surgeon told him the latest technique was to use elephant muscle, the man agreed to the procedure. 6 weeks later he went on a date with a beautiful woman to a very expensive resturant. They were half way through the meal when the mans dick appeared from under the table, grabbed a bread roll and disappered. The woman looking shocked and amazed said "Jesus, can you do that again?" The man replyed teary eyed "Sure, but I dont think I can fit another bread roll up my ass!"

[tiddles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........














"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

booooooooooooooooooooooo

[JonQPublik]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

booooooooooooooooooooooo

+1

That was so not fair.

jqp

[AndyH]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day a man was looking at himself in the mirror and thought good god I have to something about THAT, he went to a plastic surgeon and asked about penis enlargement surgery. The surgeon told him the latest technique was to use elephant muscle, the man agreed to the procedure. 6 weeks later he went on a date with a beautiful woman to a very expensive resturant. They were half way through the meal when the mans dick appeared from under the table, grabbed a bread roll and disappered. The woman looking shocked and amazed said "Jesus, can you do that again?" The man replyed teary eyed "Sure, but I dont think I can fit another bread roll up my ass!"

Hahaha



Two fish in a tank, one say to the other; 'how the fuck do we drive this thing'?