A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[TomTom]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu, Hu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck

Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

[poults]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A mouse walks into a music shop and says to the owner...

"Excuse me, I'd like to buy a mouse organ please"

The owner, leans down, looks at the mouse and then says

"Sure, no problem... Funny really, we had another mouse in her just last week asking to buy the exact same thing"

The mouse looks up in recognition and says

"Ah... that'll be our' monica"

[poults]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

' Nev er!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me."

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.

"’Tis the Lord’s holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.

"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "Another bloomin'miracle."

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.

The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats."

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A builder and a priest were out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately, the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot he would shout, "Sh*t, missed."

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that," he told his friend, "or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted, "Sh*t, missed," and continued to do so every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas fell on deaf ears as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted, "Sh*t, missed!" Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice could be heard in the clouds, "Sh*t, missed!"

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?”
The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”
Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.
So she buys one….
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”
She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”
“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”
“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”
“Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Alternatives to “…and they lived happily ever after”

#01 And they stayed together because of the kids.
#02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again.
#03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness.
#04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she’d always dreamed of.
#05 And he never found out out the child wasn’t his.
#06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself.
#07 And they lived happily ever… until the following winter.
#08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay.
#09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn’t evil - just demanding.
#10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance.
#11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

[Dj Lunchtray]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

HAHAHA! You KNOW this is in Florida

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What does success mean?

At the age of 3 it means not shitting in your pants.
At the age of 12 it means having friends.
At the age of 18 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 20 it means having sex.
At the age of 35 it means having money.
and…
At the age of 50 it means having money.
At the age of 60 it means having sex.
At the age of 70 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 75 it means having friends.
At the age of 80 it means not shitting in your pants.

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and

I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."






A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.