A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"

"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ classic!

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[godisadj]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Got this one in my email today:

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party.. The wife got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.. He, being a
devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by
not going.. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain,
and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun
by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She put on a Goldilocks costume. So she joined the party and soon spotted her
husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could cuddle with and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new
partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he
wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the
back seat.

Just before unmasking , she slipped away and went home and put her costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for
his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he
had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I
never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker
all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad.
Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a
Goldilocks outfit'

[floridaorange]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^Copied from a post in a thread from 2 years ago

[floridaorange]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."



The second friend agrees and hikes south.

The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I

hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate

lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and

dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were

filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.

How was your day?"



The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of

railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman

tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,

and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so

tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.

Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love,
Grandma

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

its not hard to tell which celebrity raped Jordan.
judging by the look of young Harvey it was Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose

[i!!ustrious]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate do you think
a/ you need more time together
b/ she's a prude
c/ she should of sat elsewhere on the bus