A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Mariner1]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
-she gagged.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON..

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow said. “Just look at you! You have no legs!”

The old gentleman smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed??”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOL!!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A dwarf pulls in a bar & tells the chick that he can give her the ride of her life.Curiously she takes him home with her & before she knows it shes lying on the bed screaming in ecstacy.She says to the dwarf 'your amazing!' The dwarf replies 'thats nothin love,just wait til i get theother leg in!'

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

ripped from tmb

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather
out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

and that's how the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ very good

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Excellent stuff

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

good stuff huggie!!

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having great sex the other day when just as we got towards the climax my girlfriend completely ruined the moment and said those three little words that just fills a mans heart with fear...




"Honey, I'm home"

[AndyH]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having great sex the other day when just as we got towards the climax my girlfriend completely ruined the moment and said those three little words that just fills a mans heart with fear...




"Honey, I'm home"

Awesome

[AndyH]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Husband, wife and kid are in bed and mum is alseep. Kids says to his dad; "Dad, what the difference between a pussy and a cunt'?

So the dad lifts up the covers, points at his wife's privates and says "that Son is a pussy".

The Kids then says "Dad can I touch it"? So Dad puts his finger to his lips and says "Shhh or youll wake the cunt up"..

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Q: What is the difference between Micheal Phelps and Hitler?
A: At least Phelps could finish a race.

Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: What's the funniest kind of Pole?
A: Polio.

Q: Why can't Michael J Fox kill himself?
A: He cant hold the gun straight.

[Mariner1]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Q: What is the difference between Micheal Phelps and Hitler?
A: At least Phelps could finish a race.

Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: What's the funniest kind of Pole?
A: Polio.

Q: Why can't Michael J Fox kill himself?
A: He cant hold the gun straight.

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

So yesterday was my mother in law's birthday and i didnt get her a present. Last year i bought her a cemetery plot, and since she hasnt used it yet i figured why get her something this year? I explained this to my wife and then the fight started.

--------------


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


--------------


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


--------------


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


--------------


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....


--------------


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....


--------------


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....