A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[i!!ustrious]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

so yesterday was my mother in law's birthday and i didnt get her a present. Last year i bought her a cemetery plot, and since she hasnt used it yet i figured why get her something this year? I explained this to my wife and then the fight started.

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my wife sat down on the couch next to me as i was flipping channels. She
asked, 'what's on tv?'
i said, 'dust.'

and then the fight started...


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i rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well i couldn't
believe it.... He was a dwarf!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "i am not happy
!!!"

so, i looked down at him and said, "well, then which one are you?"

and then the fight started.....


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i tried to talk my wife into buying a case of miller light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


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my wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....


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a man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'holy crap. That must be my husband!'
so the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'i am your husband!'
the woman yelled back, 'yeah, then why were you running?'
and then the fight started.....


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i asked my wife, "where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
it warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"somewhere i haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So i suggested, "how about the kitchen?"
and that's when the fight started....

qft

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.The parents stop and his mum dismounts,pulling the covers rond her.
'What were you and dad doing?' The boy asks his mum.
'Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes i have to get on top of it to help try and flatten it.' she explains.
'Your wasting your time' says the boy.'When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.'

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.........that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'

[DIDI]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba-divers fall off their boats backwards?'
To which Murphy replies 'You thick cunt paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat.'

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba-divers fall off their boats backwards?'
To which Murphy replies 'You thick cunt paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat.'

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Jaden grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it Out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

[poults]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ Like the picnic error-Problem in chair, not in computer.

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 blokes are chatting in a pub.
1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night'
2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?'
1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What did Jesus say to his twelve apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

Don't any of you bastards touch my fucking easter eggs,il b back on monday!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

tom chaplin of the band keane said that they are the new pink floyd.all because they done show that you can watch in 3d


aye right!

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 blokes are chatting in a pub.
1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night'
2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?'
1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'

Stellar

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Subject: How to speak about men and be politically correct

1. We do not have a BEER GUT - We have developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. We are not BAD DANCERS - We are OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. We do not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - We INVESTIGATE ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

4. We are not BALDING - We are in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. We are not CRADLE SNATCHERS - We prefer GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

6. We do not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - We become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. We do not act like a TOTAL ARSE - We develop a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

8. We are not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - We have SWINE EMPATHY.

9. We are not afraid of COMMITMENT - We are just MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

10. It’s not our “CRACK” you see hanging out of our pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”

[feather]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.........that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'

Awesome.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?” She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”
Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?”
Once more she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . .”