A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

the mother of caster semenya,womens 800m world champion,has expressed her outrage at all the reports slating her daughter this past week.the final straw was when it was suggested that she take a gender test.
she said 'after all we have been through this is going to be a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

alarm goes off at 6 am... husband rolls over and says to wife, "get up, its time to go fishing".. she replies "**** off i dont want to go"... he says "ill go pack the car, and ill give you 3 choices, either you come fishing, you give me a blow job, or i get to F.u.c.k you up the ass"... she agrees to think about, so off he goes to pack the car, taking his dog with him... half an hour later he returns and he asks what she has decided.. she says "ill give you a blow job"... half way through she stops and says "your cock tastes like sh*t".. the husband replies, "Yeah the dog didnt want to go either".....

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A 15yr old boy comes downstairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch.
His dad asks 'where are you going dressed like that with a torch in your hand?'
The boy replies 'im going courting.'
The dad then tells the boy how he used to go courting but he never took a torch with him.
To which the boy replies 'aye,and look what you fuckin ended up with!'

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 dyslexics storm into a bank and shout
''air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck up''

[crazzycat]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A busty blond woman was seated next to a huge man on an airplane. Seeing that there were several first-class seats empty, the blond gathered herself and went to sit in the first-class area.

The stewardess approaches and says: "Excuse me, ma'am, the first-class seats are only for patrons who purchased a first-class ticket" to which the blond replies: "I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

Frustrated, the stewardess gathers a Manager and he approaches the woman.
"Hello there, I'm sorry but because you do not have a first-class ticket, you will have to leave the first-class area." The blond folds her arms and replies:

"I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

The manager throws up his hands and goes to the Pilot in the cockpit and tells him what the situation is. One pilot says "Oh! That's Easy...Just leave it to me..."

He then exits the cockpit and approaches the blond sitting in the first-class area and whispers something in her ear. The blond Perks up and IMMEDIATELY returns to her original seat. Perplexed, the stewardess and the Manager ask what he told her. The pilot replied "It's Easy! I just told her first-class wasn't flying to Chicago!"

ride on the floor laughing

[etincelles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

....

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man walks into his job and tells his best friend, man I'm constipated as hell I think I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

His friend says ain't that something you can take of over the counter like with some pepto or malox?

He says no man it's to bad! So he goes to the hospital and the doctor says man your full of shit, I'm gonna have to give you a suppository!

The man says what's that? The doctor says it's these pellets I have to stick up your ass. So the man says do what you gotta do doc!

So he has the man bend over the table and he shoves the suppository up his ass. The man screams Oh! Shit!

The doctor says take the rest of these and have your wife give them to you. So the man gets home and says, baby I need you to give me these suppositories. I'll bend over and you stick one up my ass.

So he bends over and she puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves it up his ass. He screams Oh! Shit! His wife says baby are you OK? He says, I just remembered the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!!!

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique....a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So I'm in my room, in the hotel where I'm well known, and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man is driving a car and he hits a woman.

Q: Who's fault was it?
A: The man's. What was he doing driving in the kitchen?

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[floridaorange]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Dog's Life
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."

Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Blondes in the bus
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[ace_dl]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Top Ten American Jokes - Reader's Digest


Ghostly Music
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."

Crime and Punishment
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

A Dog's Life
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."

Conflict
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

New Lease on Life
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Vow of Silence
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Making Sure
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Power of Perception
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."