A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A family is driving along behind a garbage truck when suddenly a dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits the windscreen.The little boy in the back asks 'what was that?' Embarrassed and to spare her sons innocence the mother says 'dont worry son it was just an insect.' To which her son replies 'im not surprised it couldnt get far off the ground with a dick like that!'

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What's not your cheese?












































Nacho cheese

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 blokes are chatting in a pub.
1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night'
2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?'
1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

and the award goes to

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I'm going to hell for laughing

Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

u havent checked this thread in a while!

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy walks into a bar with a crab under his arm and says, "Do you sell crab cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday.

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What do 54,000 uk women who suffer domestic violence every year have in common?

They dont fucking listen!!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An alcoholic walks into a hardware store and asks of buy a bottle of meths.The shopkeeper says 'Im not selling you that,i've seen you sitting in the park and i know you're an alcho.You'll just drink it.'

The bloke says 'No i've just started my own decorating business and i need it for my work.People won't let me forget i used to be a drunk.I've turned my life around,but i'll always be seen as that drunkard,no matter how hard i work.'

The shopkeeper says 'I'm so sorry.All right,here's your bottle of meths.'

The bloke says 'Sorry,but you would'nt have a cold one would you.'

[chanty]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy walks into a bar with a crab under his arm and says, "Do you sell crab cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday.

[bobjuice]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

• Some (old) one-liners from the late great tommy cooper

• Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
  The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
• Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
• 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
  so he gave me a kite.
• I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
  So I went, and I got it.'
• I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.


[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e9mIj32Bgs[/YOUTUBE]

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I remember watching him die on stage -