A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Good news for adventurous tourists: Book a flight with Air France now and you could win the chance to see the Titanic!

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A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for five dollars. His father replies, "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"

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Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store, asks for an ice cream.
Dude says "Sure, what flavour?"
Michael J Fox tells him "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to fucking drop it anyway".

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife is in bed.
Man: Hey honey, I'd like to introduce you to the pig I've been fucking.
Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep.
Man: I wasn't talking to you.

Excellent stuff

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Apparently when Michael Jacksons family and friends went to check and see if he was ok theywent to his room and they found him face down on his bedroom floor and appeared to be lookin under his bed.
They left him alone for over an hour because they thought he was just looking for his other glove

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can''t remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said ''What disco am I at?''

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.”

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublinto wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.



When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!'

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Good news for adventurous tourists: Book a flight with Air France now and you could win the chance to see the Titanic!

----------

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for five dollars. His father replies, "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"

----------

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store, asks for an ice cream.
Dude says "Sure, what flavour?"
Michael J Fox tells him "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to fucking drop it anyway".

----------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife is in bed.
Man: Hey honey, I'd like to introduce you to the pig I've been fucking.
Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep.
Man: I wasn't talking to you.

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^haha

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man is walking across a bridge when he finds a young girl about to jump off, she tells him to not try and stop her.

So he says "OK, but Can I have a blowjob?"

Surprisingly she agrees and gets on with it.

"Wow" he says "That is one amazing talent going to waste there, why would you want to jump for?"

She replies "because my Mom and Dad hate me dressing up as a girl ".

[dannygroov]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Lemme get high and then read this thread again...

haha. I found it funny

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two gay men are walking down the street, and one decides to kick a can he sees on the ground.

Smoke comes out from the can and a genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me from my can. I will grant you 3 wishes."

The first gay man says, "okay, I want a HUGE mansion, decorated in all white and everything furnished." "Okay," says the genie, and poof!

The gay men appear in front of a mansion.

The second gay man says, "okay, for our second wish, I want two matching Lincoln Towncars, all white with white interior and fully loaded." Poof! Two cars, made to order.

For the third wish, one of the gay men walks up and whispers something into the genie's ear. "I'll be back at 7 PM." 7 PM rolls around and there's a knock on the door.

Both men are excited, and when they open the door, there is a group of Klu Klux Klan members on their front lawn. "What the fuck did you wish?" says the first man. "I just wished to be hung like a black man!"

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

When visitors go the courthouse in St. Lucie, FL they must surrender their personal items for inspection.Clinton J. Gordon, pictured, went to the courthouse Tuesday and surprised the security checkpoint guard by allegedly placing his marijuana pipe in the tray.