A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[fyrestarter]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man walks into his job and tells his best friend, man I'm constipated as hell I think I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

His friend says ain't that something you can take of over the counter like with some pepto or malox?

He says no man it's to bad! So he goes to the hospital and the doctor says man your full of shit, I'm gonna have to give you a suppository!

The man says what's that? The doctor says it's these pellets I have to stick up your ass. So the man says do what you gotta do doc!

So he has the man bend over the table and he shoves the suppository up his ass. The man screams Oh! Shit!

The doctor says take the rest of these and have your wife give them to you. So the man gets home and says, baby I need you to give me these suppositories. I'll bend over and you stick one up my ass.

So he bends over and she puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves it up his ass. He screams Oh! Shit! His wife says baby are you OK? He says, I just remembered the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!!!

[etincelles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

....

[crazzycat]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A busty blond woman was seated next to a huge man on an airplane. Seeing that there were several first-class seats empty, the blond gathered herself and went to sit in the first-class area.

The stewardess approaches and says: "Excuse me, ma'am, the first-class seats are only for patrons who purchased a first-class ticket" to which the blond replies: "I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

Frustrated, the stewardess gathers a Manager and he approaches the woman.
"Hello there, I'm sorry but because you do not have a first-class ticket, you will have to leave the first-class area." The blond folds her arms and replies:

"I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

The manager throws up his hands and goes to the Pilot in the cockpit and tells him what the situation is. One pilot says "Oh! That's Easy...Just leave it to me..."

He then exits the cockpit and approaches the blond sitting in the first-class area and whispers something in her ear. The blond Perks up and IMMEDIATELY returns to her original seat. Perplexed, the stewardess and the Manager ask what he told her. The pilot replied "It's Easy! I just told her first-class wasn't flying to Chicago!"

ride on the floor laughing

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 dyslexics storm into a bank and shout
''air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck up''

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A 15yr old boy comes downstairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch.
His dad asks 'where are you going dressed like that with a torch in your hand?'
The boy replies 'im going courting.'
The dad then tells the boy how he used to go courting but he never took a torch with him.
To which the boy replies 'aye,and look what you fuckin ended up with!'

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

alarm goes off at 6 am... husband rolls over and says to wife, "get up, its time to go fishing".. she replies "**** off i dont want to go"... he says "ill go pack the car, and ill give you 3 choices, either you come fishing, you give me a blow job, or i get to F.u.c.k you up the ass"... she agrees to think about, so off he goes to pack the car, taking his dog with him... half an hour later he returns and he asks what she has decided.. she says "ill give you a blow job"... half way through she stops and says "your cock tastes like sh*t".. the husband replies, "Yeah the dog didnt want to go either".....

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.................................................. ..................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.................................................. ..................................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.................................................. ..................................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.................................................. ..................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.................................................. ..................................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.................................................. ..................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.................................................. ..................................


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.................................................. ..................................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.................................................. ..................................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.................................................. ..................................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................................. ..................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.................................................. ..................................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.................................................. ..................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.................................................. ..................................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.................................................. ..................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.................................................. ..................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.................................................. ..................................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.................................................. ......................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

the mother of caster semenya,womens 800m world champion,has expressed her outrage at all the reports slating her daughter this past week.the final straw was when it was suggested that she take a gender test.
she said 'after all we have been through this is going to be a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

[DIDI]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?


great!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

whats the difference between a cricket ball and a ginger fanny?
if you tried hard and i mean really fucking hard you could eat a cricket ball!!!