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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
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The 'club spirit' is in the soul. It Never DiesOriginally posted by TheVrk -
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell
check wouldn't
have helped.
Found in shul newsletters and announcements
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for
our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer
the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and
Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private
study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center.
Music will follow
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double
door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing
for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in
the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come
forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign
slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off,' the
Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
(who knows, but I tittered)
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for idiocy!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.....Freak in the morning, Freak in the evening, aint no other Freak like me thats breathing....
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
bored on a long journey
Ever found yourself on a long tedious train/plane journey and the passenger sat next to you is particularly irritating?
Here's one suggestion:
1. Remove your laptop from its bag
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3. Turn it on
4. Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5. Click on the Internet
6. Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7. Take a deep breath and open this site
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....
Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Pikey sister and brother in bed
Pikey sister to pikey brother "You shag like my dad"
Pikey brother to pikey sister "Yeah, That's what my mum says"Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^HAHAHAHa
The largest room in the world, is the room for improvement!Comment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A black guy, chinese guy, and a jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says get the fuck out of here.
- From Gran TorinoComment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
There was a bit of a financial crisis in the family
so the missus was forced to go down on the corner and earn some money
She'd been gone all night, and when she finally came back up
her husband asked her how much money she'd made...
- I made 50 pounds and 2 pence !
- 2 pence ?? who the heck gave you 2 pence ?
- They all didComment
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
wee roger starts work in a huge department store, one of those huge stocks just about everything types and the manager gives him the tour. at the end he takes him to meet oul bill. he introduces them and says "u will be working with bill for a while to learn the ropes, hes been here for 20 years and if u can be half as good as him i'll be happy."
so the manager goes away and oul bill tells him "its all about the sales lad, if somebody comes looking for something try and get an extra sale from them" then spotting a customer he says "watch what i do"
so oul bill saunters over to the customer and says "can i help you sir?" the customer replies "yes id like some grass seed" so bill takes him to the grass seed and then says "were doing a special on lawnmowers at the minute sir and when your grass grows you are gonna have to cut it." the customer then replies "what a good idea i'll take one" after the customer goes "wee roger says that was great bill " so a few minutes later in comes another customer and bill says "right roger lad show us how its done"
so roger saunters over to the customer and says "can i help you sir" the customer replies "yes id like some tampons, theyre for my wife of course" after getting the tampons roger says to the customer "were doing a special on lawnmowers this week if you are interested sir" the customer looking baffled says to him "why would i want to buy a lawnmower" to which roger looking down at the tampons replied "well your weeks already fucked so u may as well cut the grass"Comment
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