A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

i'd forgotten about this thread!

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

R+S is back!!

nice one.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
“Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

[Steve Graham]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^^ very good!

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5
years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what
ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum
this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5
million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant.

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at
him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place
where he knows her from, so he says

"Do you know me?" to which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

[Funky Dredd]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,
said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim
Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and

I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."






A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What does success mean?

At the age of 3 it means not shitting in your pants.
At the age of 12 it means having friends.
At the age of 18 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 20 it means having sex.
At the age of 35 it means having money.
and…
At the age of 50 it means having money.
At the age of 60 it means having sex.
At the age of 70 it means having a drivers license.
At the age of 75 it means having friends.
At the age of 80 it means not shitting in your pants.

[Dj Lunchtray]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

HAHAHA! You KNOW this is in Florida

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Alternatives to “…and they lived happily ever after”

#01 And they stayed together because of the kids.
#02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again.
#03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness.
#04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she’d always dreamed of.
#05 And he never found out out the child wasn’t his.
#06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself.
#07 And they lived happily ever… until the following winter.
#08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay.
#09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn’t evil - just demanding.
#10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance.
#11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?”
The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.”
Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?”
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk.
So she buys one….
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?”
She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.”
“Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?”
“Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?”
“Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A builder and a priest were out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately, the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot he would shout, "Sh*t, missed."

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that," he told his friend, "or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted, "Sh*t, missed," and continued to do so every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas fell on deaf ears as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted, "Sh*t, missed!" Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice could be heard in the clouds, "Sh*t, missed!"