A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[robophobia_1]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

a gymnast walks into a bar, he gets a two point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an old man and a golf aficionado named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes” – and he calmly returned to his seat.

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
- Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
- Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
- Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
- Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
- Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
- Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
- Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
- After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit with a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
- Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran — ruled by nuts.

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
“However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

nabbed from TMB:

The State of Washington made both gay marriage and pot smoking legal as of 12:01 a.m. December 6th, 2012.

It's the fulfillment of the Biblical prophesy: Leviticus 20:13. "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned."

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is amistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about ourrelationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the doorwearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed tomeet in a few days to exchange notes.Here's how it went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found mewith a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,"You are the woman of my dreams. I love you". Then we made passionate loveall night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and Iwas wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over myeyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started totremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing theblack bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When hecame in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was waiting to get served at the bar when I felt a hand gently squeezingmy groin.

"Buy me a drink and I'll suck your cock," a seductive voice whispered in myear.

I sighed, "You've spent all your money on prositutes again, haven't youColin

[nick007]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

... She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Not a single joke in 4 years guys, ffs that's disgraceful

[DIDI]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ I don't miss yours at all Happy birthday

[REDROCK]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Strange, this place seems to be full of comedians

[♫♫♫♫♫♫]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Strange, this place seems to be full of comedians

Not comedians, but people in the entertainment industry.