Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
this is probably a repost but...............
It was Scotland/Wales 'International' weekend in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.''Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'The man replied,' No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!''Don't worry' said the journalist,'I can see the headline now.''Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler 'The man replied,'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire .. 'The journalist said,'Don't worry; I can see the headline now ''English Bastard Strangles Family Pet!!!!'
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
When cocaine wants to get high, it does a line of Charlie Sheen.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Shouldn't, but I love blonde jokes
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Blond and brunette walking on opposite sides of a river
brunette shouts to blond -"how do you get to the other side"?
Blond shouts back - "you are on the other side"!Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Just doing some spring cleaning on my computer and found this
Australian Tourism
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the (sometimes brilliant) answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
glass coffins,will they take off????
remains to be seenLeave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
its an autobiographyLeave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Latvian girl is say, "I want go America one day."
Father say, "I send you America."
Daughter is thank father. Make tears of happy. Father use for salty potato.
Father think moment, say, "Daughter, I no send you America."
Potato is more salt.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A man walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, 'Hi my name's bond', The girl replies, 'don't tell me James?'. The man says, 'No, uni I'm here to fill your crack!'.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w***erLeave a comment:
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