A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Funky Dredd]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,
said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim
Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at
him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place
where he knows her from, so he says

"Do you know me?" to which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5
years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what
ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum
this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5
million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to
spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant.

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[Steve Graham]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^^ very good!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
“Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

R+S is back!!

nice one.

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

i'd forgotten about this thread!

[Tatanka]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOLS! Nice, I have an a shed load of catching up to do.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. “Yes, teacher,” he said, “my dad taught me.”
“Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two,” the teacher said. “Three,” replied Andy.
“Very good. What comes after five, Andy?” asked the teacher. “Six,” answered Andy.
“Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?” the teacher asked.
“A jack!” replied Andy.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket
and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer,
he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer,
he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say,
'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?'
and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The blonde's car was making a funny noise, so she took it in to the garage down the street from where she worked, then walked back to the office.
She told her friend,
'I'm getting the car seen to because it makes this funny clicking noise
.''Let me know how you make out,' her friend said.
'I'm afraid the mechanic is going to rip you off because you're a woman.'
At lunchtime, the garage called to say her car was ready.
She walked down and picked it up,
then drove to the restaurant where she was meeting her friend.
As she sat down to eat, her friend asked,
'Well,how did it go?''
The mechanic was very nice, and very honest, too
.''He didn't rip you off?
''No. He said it was an easy fix and only charged me $20.
All I needed was some turn signal fluid.'

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bed room where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’ She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, ‘You finish?’
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’ Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian.’