Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was
nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....
Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
bored on a long journey
Ever found yourself on a long tedious train/plane journey and the passenger sat next to you is particularly irritating?
Here's one suggestion:
1. Remove your laptop from its bag
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3. Turn it on
4. Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5. Click on the Internet
6. Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7. Take a deep breath and open this site
Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
(who knows, but I tittered)
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for idiocy!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
those last 2 are quality mateLeave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off,' the
Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell
check wouldn't
have helped.
Found in shul newsletters and announcements
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for
our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer
the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and
Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private
study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center.
Music will follow
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double
door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing
for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in
the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come
forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign
slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”
“Originally from Essex, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”
“No shit!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
I was talking to Pete Doherty the other day and he said, “When it comes to drugs, I’m addicted.”
I said, “I know, but don’t call me Ted.”Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fookin mental, the other is some sort of farming problem
Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
They've pulled out another week of Gerry Adams niece's diary.
Monday. Stayed in, dad came down and f***ed me
Tuesday. Stayed in. Got f***ed by dad
Wednesday. Stayed in dad f***ed me doggy style
Thursday. Stayed in dad spunked on my face.
Friday. Stayed in dad gave my ar** a right poundin.
Saturday. Went to watch celtic play, wish i'd stayed in.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A maths teacher asks a boy called Roger 'if you had £500 and gave £100 to Mary,£100 to Sally,£100 to Susan and £100 to Anne,what would you have?'
Roger replies 'an orgy!'Leave a comment:
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