A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[DIDI]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ It's good to have you back!!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The New York Post assembled this great list of the best jokes made by some of the funniest people in the entertainment industry. Enjoy and laugh…. now.
Roseanne
A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.”
Jackie Mason
Hillary Clinton says she’s the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, “Wait, let’s get his wife.”
Lisa Lampanelli
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”
Laura Kightlinger
After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself. Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn’t kill you makes you a burden to someone else.


Bill Maher
Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?
Bobby Slayton
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.
Jeffrey Ross
John McCain is so old that running for President is on his bucket list.
Tomi Walamies
My uncle is in a coma - he’s living the dream. (Paul Provenza’s favorite)
Nick Dipaolo
I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.
Artie Lange
Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he’d ground out to second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it’s true - A-Rod pointed to second Base.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
At the Tony Awards: I’m here with Harvey Fierstein, nominated tonight for the “I Hate Vagina Monologues.”
Seth Herzog
I took nine years of French, but I can’t remember any of it. I realized on the plane ride over that if someone doesn’t ask me what color my hat is, I’ll have nothing to talk about for two weeks.
Earthquake
You know why the US can’t find Osama Bin Laden? They’re using the wrong agency to look for him. Don’t send the Army, Navy, Marines or the CIA - send Child Support!
Harland Williams
I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, “Did you know nothing rhymes with ‘orange?’ ” So, I threw the orange at his head and said, “Now your face is swollen red ’cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with ‘orange,’ you jackass?”
Conan O’Brien
To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that “feels right.”
(Bill Maher’s favorite)
Wendy Liebman
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.
Seth Meyers
During a “Weekend Update” segment about Eliot Spitzer. And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn’t want to wear a condom? Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli.
(Robert “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” Smigel’s favorite)
Hannibal Buress
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.
Louis C.K.
On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump
(Nick Dipaolo’s favorite)
Emo Philips
Cellphones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them!
Nick Thune
Tupac Shakur’s mother was a Black Panther. His father was a regular panther. (Russell Peters’ favorite)
Jonathan Katz
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.
Jim Florentine
I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.
Ophira Eisenberg
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
Jim Norton
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.
Sean Keane
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.”
(Harland Williams’ favorite)
George Carlin
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?
(Jackie Mason’s favorite)
Greg Proops
They say Hillary Clinton has a bad personality. Really? I forgot about Dick Cheney’s wow factor.
Robert Duchaine
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
(Bobby Slayton’s favorite)
David Brenner
Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, “See, I told you it wasn’t only in our country!”
John Oliver
One hundred and fifty years ago, England was fueled primarily from burning Catholics. It’s a naturally renewable resource.
(Seth Herzog’s favorite)
Liam McEneaney
They say gay people have “gaydar,” which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar, called “poor-dar.” They always know I shouldn’t be there, and I can tell by the way they talk to me: “Sir, can I take your coat - out back and burn it?” “Can I call you a car - or will you be riding a boxcar out of town?”
Carolyn Castiglia
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!” (Adira Amram’s favorite)
David Wain
Have you heard they’re doing a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain?”
No, what’s it called?
“Brokeback Mountain 2.”
Desiree Burch
I don’t wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that crap, but I can’t do it. ‘Cause I can’t be the fat girl that smells like Rice Krispie treats. Can’t do it. People are all like, “God, Desiree! Did you eat again?!”
Marc Maron
It’s significant Barack Obamais running. I think it’s important for black people to have a chance to be misrepresented by one of their own.
(Greg Proops’ favorite)
Todd Levin
I just got engaged. My fiancée won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand - it’s a family name.
Josh Comers
I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick “Me Kick” signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully - with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.
(Liam McEneaney’s favorite)
Freddie Roman
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, “Oh, my God!” She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, “Watch out for the wall!” (David Wain’s favorite)
Dave Attell
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
’May I help you sir?’ she asked.
’I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
’Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else’, said the madam.
’No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’
The man replied, ‘Ontario ‘.
’Really’, she said.. ‘I have family in Ontario.’
‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

For all those managers out there, here are some good ideas to make your appraisal reports more interesting.

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
   
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
   
3. I would not allow this associate to breed.
   
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
   
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
   
6. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
   
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
   
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
   
9. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
   
10. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

[ace_dl]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

London lawyer vs. Glasgow cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f *ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[Tatanka]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

"SON OF A BITCH" FISH

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'

'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?'

'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,


'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

[poults]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

It is now illegal to wear clothes on the wrong parts of your body, take Gary Glitter for instance-he was arrested for putting a thai on his cock.

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The b****!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[88Mariner]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to his doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor checks him out, and, after the exam, he says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" "I see no sign of cancer or any other disease -- I can pretty much give you a clean bill of health," says the doctor. "So then what's the bad news?" asks the guy, puzzled. "You have to stop masturbating," the doctor replies. "What? Why?" asks the guy. "It's kind of making me uncomfortable," says the doctor.

[Steve Graham]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to his doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor checks him out, and, after the exam, he says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" "I see no sign of cancer or any other disease -- I can pretty much give you a clean bill of health," says the doctor. "So then what's the bad news?" asks the guy, puzzled. "You have to stop masturbating," the doctor replies. "What? Why?" asks the guy. "It's kind of making me uncomfortable," says the doctor.

this gave me a good laugh

[Micko]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Where is it dangerous to swim?

In Hepatitus C