A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[floridaorange]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[ace_dl]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...the cheapest one he could find.
This is his report....
"Most honourable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

[Johnnyboy]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Did you hear, two antennas just got married… The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was great.

Two jumper cables walked into a bar and demanded drinks… The bartender said sure, as long as you don’t start something

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and tells him he thinks its got epilepsy.
the vet says ''it looks calm enough to me''
paddy says to the vet ''aye,you havent seen him out of the tank yet!!''

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

U.K. X-FACTOR JOKE

what do you call a woman with two cunts????

john and edwards mum!!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

whats the difference between an eithiopian and a pair of jeans?
a pair of jeans only has one fly on them!!!

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says
it will take the contagious."

now that was funny!

[lilsensa]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Mick said to Paddy "Close your curtains the next time your shaggin your
wife!".

"Why?" said Paddy.

"Because yesterday you were shaggin her and the whole street was out
watching and laughing at you!"

"Well" said Paddy, "The jokes on them idiots, I wasn't even home yesterday!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice
performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front
desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the
evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him
a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by
her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange
happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt
something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found
a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something
wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and
gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of
chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the
last guy did."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Northern Irish is a relatively simple language to learn, but there are many stumbling blocks! We are here to help you avoid situations that may arise if you can't understand what a Belfastian is saying to you.

This simple guide to Northern Irish will entertain as well as educate.

If you are from Northern Ireland and are visiting this page, don't think you know all the things in this site. The are plenty of Northern Irish people who don't understand Northern Irish.

A
Afeard - scared
Ah - I or me, ie Ah don't feel well
Aminal -common mispronounciation of Animal
Amptinat? -I most definitely am.
Arsehole -calling someone a rectum
Aye -meaning "yes"
B
Balleex -"bollocks" Thats balleex - Used in context when disagreeing with someone
Bake -someones face
Baltic - quite cold
Banjaxed - drunk
Bate -beat, I bate her up so ah did
Bate The Wife - bottle of cider
Beef -male sexual organ ie "Ah slipped her the beef lawst nite"
Beezer - Very good, Thats Beezer
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping :also "oul' beg" when referring to an
elderly female
Blurt -Slang for female genetalia
Boggen - dirty, unclean
Boulin' -messing about
Bout Ye -"Hello"
Brave - large
Brew - weekly benefit
Buggered -broken
C
Cameracorder -grannies use of the word "camcorder"
Cheeser -like Beezer, meaning "very good" or "exellent"
Chicken -child slang for "afraid"
Chinks -popular Chinese food Take Aways
Childer -children
Cracker -not something you put cheese on, means beezer
Creamed -tired
D
Dander -a walk, ie I'm goin fer a dander
Dawg -canine, dog
Digikil -common mis-prounciation of "Digital"
Drawers -underwear
Dour -a door
Duncher -Cap
E
Earlee-er -before the present
Eejit -derived from "Idiot", means "Idiot"
Eff Aaf - fu*k Off
F
FaakAaf - Excuse me my good man, kindly vacate the premises
Faaler -father
Fally - follow
Fillum -a movie or film
Fingy -someone whose name you can't remember
Frig -polite word for "fu*k", also used: Flip
Flour - a floor
Fut - foot
G
Gat -slang, You're a wee gat or get
Geg -fun, "Ats a geg"
Getawaydafuck -go away now
Givuz -give me
Glass -Half-Pint
Goes -replaces the word "Said" ie And I goes: What? Are you slabberin'?" And then she goes,
"Yip."
Gutties -training shoes
H
Happy Days - that's good
Hardly -meaning "Thats not true" ie Hardly now. Hardly.
Hectic - See Mad
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of a loaf
Heerzme - "And then I said..."
Hippy - someone who likes Bon Jovi
Houl On -please wait
J
Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking
K
Kudn't -couldn't ie Ah kudn't do that...
L
Lairdindeyit -please do start eating (or drinking) see also "wiredintillit"
Leenantarsapees -Famous Italian landmark
Lifted - arrested
Lingo -language
M
Mad - See Hectic
Mairshen - Emersion Heater
Magic -not tricks, but another word meaning great or good
Majassif - large
Mawn -a man, male
Meat Wagon -RUC Landrovers
Melt -no actual meaning, used as: "I'll knock your melt in"
Messages - weekly shopping
Milly -name given to teenage females. See also: Steek
Moufycunt - rather outspoken person
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or "Ma"
N
Nek it - drink that drink in one
Nice One -that was good
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Norwegain - Another Gin please
Now Yer Sucken Deezel -that's a good way of going about that
O
Offees -alchohol retailer
Oi -a yelp for someones attention ie Oi! You! C'mere!"
Oxters -Armpits
P
Pat - container in which food is boiled
Prably -maybe, its likely
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Parfil - strong
Peeler -a police officer
Piece -sandwich
Pot - short for Patrick
Pssskety -common misprounciation of "Spaghetti"
Pump - to urinate
Purdie -countryside slang for Potato
Q
Quim -slang for female genetalia
R
Ragin' -angry, Ahm bloody ragin' so ah am.
Ration -you'd be doing this if you were trying to get to somewhere in a hurry, in Ballymena
Rare -not to be confused with "scarce", means crap
S
Samitch -mispronunciation of "Sandwhich"
Scundered - embarrassed
Sebm -seven [7]
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Sicken' Ye - would annoy you
Skinned Ye! - Haha my good friend, I do believe I won that particular game by a significant margin
Slabber -someone who makes bad comments about you behind your back or to your face
Spoofen - lying
Spide - see Steek
Spoon -someone with a low IQ
Steek -male with bad dress and hair sense
Stroked - stolen / ripped off
T
Ta -Thank You
Tarl - a towel
Theee -the number three
Theee Leet - 3 litre bottle of cider
Till -replaces the word "to" ie Goin till the shap"
Tube -see: Spoon
Two Leet - 2 litre bottle of cider
U
Undurstawnd -understand ie Do ye undurstawnd me?
V
Vaka -Vodka
W
Weaker -yet another word for "brilliant"
Welt -male genitals
Wee -put in front of words such as "drink", "dander", and basically anything
Wick -not exactly brilliant
Willik - nose
Wiredintillit -"Got wiredintillit earlee-er"
Windie -a window
Windielickurs -horrid term for the mentally disadvantaged
Windie Still -a window sill
Wooden One -not a clever person
X
X-Acktlee -exactly
Y
Yermaa -an insult said when nothing else can be thought of
Yeegittin? -Are you being served?
Yip -yes
Yousens - When addressing more than one person
Z
Zabra/Zedbra -Zebra

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says
it will take the contagious."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed
an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your Life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "I got really really drunk once and ended up screwing a parrot....... I was just wondering if you were my son."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

3 naked men in a sauna, an american , japenese and a irishman .
they heard a beeping sound .
the american touches his arm and says thats my pager i have a microchip under my skin .
next a phone rings and the japanese man lifts his plam 2 his ear ,
and he says i have a microchip in my hand.
irishman feeling very lowtech went 2 the toilet and came backwith toilet paper hanging from his arse .
he says






"oh jaysus, would you look at that, lm getting a fax

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.



When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!