Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
1. A man comes into the ER and yells,
‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear..
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs –
and I was in the wrong one!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.
‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running
out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn’t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion,
she answered…
‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied.
I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients
dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY…
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment,
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons!
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
thick walls,plenty of space,naked kids,no consequences!!!
carlsberg dont do homosexual paedophile rapist colonies with an unlimited supply of virgin boys....
but the catholic church does...Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
holy shit,ive just found out i have budgie flu.
its not as bad as swine flu.
its tweetable!!Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
I remember watching him die on stage -Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
- Some (old) one-liners from the late great tommy cooper
- Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
- A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' - I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
- Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
- 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
- I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite. - I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.' - I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e9mIj32Bgs[/YOUTUBE]Leave a comment:
- Some (old) one-liners from the late great tommy cooper
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An alcoholic walks into a hardware store and asks of buy a bottle of meths.The shopkeeper says 'Im not selling you that,i've seen you sitting in the park and i know you're an alcho.You'll just drink it.'
The bloke says 'No i've just started my own decorating business and i need it for my work.People won't let me forget i used to be a drunk.I've turned my life around,but i'll always be seen as that drunkard,no matter how hard i work.'
The shopkeeper says 'I'm so sorry.All right,here's your bottle of meths.'
The bloke says 'Sorry,but you would'nt have a cold one would you.'Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
What do 54,000 uk women who suffer domestic violence every year have in common?
They dont fucking listen!!Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.Leave a comment:
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Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A guy walks into a bar with a crab under his arm and says, "Do you sell crab cakes here?"
Bartender: No we don't.
Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday.Leave a comment:
Leave a comment: