A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Dhar_2]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ classic!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"

"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.



When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

3 naked men in a sauna, an american , japenese and a irishman .
they heard a beeping sound .
the american touches his arm and says thats my pager i have a microchip under my skin .
next a phone rings and the japanese man lifts his plam 2 his ear ,
and he says i have a microchip in my hand.
irishman feeling very lowtech went 2 the toilet and came backwith toilet paper hanging from his arse .
he says






"oh jaysus, would you look at that, lm getting a fax

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed
an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically Asked, "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your Life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "I got really really drunk once and ended up screwing a parrot....... I was just wondering if you were my son."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum
said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says
it will take the contagious."

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Northern Irish is a relatively simple language to learn, but there are many stumbling blocks! We are here to help you avoid situations that may arise if you can't understand what a Belfastian is saying to you.

This simple guide to Northern Irish will entertain as well as educate.

If you are from Northern Ireland and are visiting this page, don't think you know all the things in this site. The are plenty of Northern Irish people who don't understand Northern Irish.

A
Afeard - scared
Ah - I or me, ie Ah don't feel well
Aminal -common mispronounciation of Animal
Amptinat? -I most definitely am.
Arsehole -calling someone a rectum
Aye -meaning "yes"
B
Balleex -"bollocks" Thats balleex - Used in context when disagreeing with someone
Bake -someones face
Baltic - quite cold
Banjaxed - drunk
Bate -beat, I bate her up so ah did
Bate The Wife - bottle of cider
Beef -male sexual organ ie "Ah slipped her the beef lawst nite"
Beezer - Very good, Thats Beezer
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping :also "oul' beg" when referring to an
elderly female
Blurt -Slang for female genetalia
Boggen - dirty, unclean
Boulin' -messing about
Bout Ye -"Hello"
Brave - large
Brew - weekly benefit
Buggered -broken
C
Cameracorder -grannies use of the word "camcorder"
Cheeser -like Beezer, meaning "very good" or "exellent"
Chicken -child slang for "afraid"
Chinks -popular Chinese food Take Aways
Childer -children
Cracker -not something you put cheese on, means beezer
Creamed -tired
D
Dander -a walk, ie I'm goin fer a dander
Dawg -canine, dog
Digikil -common mis-prounciation of "Digital"
Drawers -underwear
Dour -a door
Duncher -Cap
E
Earlee-er -before the present
Eejit -derived from "Idiot", means "Idiot"
Eff Aaf - fu*k Off
F
FaakAaf - Excuse me my good man, kindly vacate the premises
Faaler -father
Fally - follow
Fillum -a movie or film
Fingy -someone whose name you can't remember
Frig -polite word for "fu*k", also used: Flip
Flour - a floor
Fut - foot
G
Gat -slang, You're a wee gat or get
Geg -fun, "Ats a geg"
Getawaydafuck -go away now
Givuz -give me
Glass -Half-Pint
Goes -replaces the word "Said" ie And I goes: What? Are you slabberin'?" And then she goes,
"Yip."
Gutties -training shoes
H
Happy Days - that's good
Hardly -meaning "Thats not true" ie Hardly now. Hardly.
Hectic - See Mad
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of a loaf
Heerzme - "And then I said..."
Hippy - someone who likes Bon Jovi
Houl On -please wait
J
Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking
K
Kudn't -couldn't ie Ah kudn't do that...
L
Lairdindeyit -please do start eating (or drinking) see also "wiredintillit"
Leenantarsapees -Famous Italian landmark
Lifted - arrested
Lingo -language
M
Mad - See Hectic
Mairshen - Emersion Heater
Magic -not tricks, but another word meaning great or good
Majassif - large
Mawn -a man, male
Meat Wagon -RUC Landrovers
Melt -no actual meaning, used as: "I'll knock your melt in"
Messages - weekly shopping
Milly -name given to teenage females. See also: Steek
Moufycunt - rather outspoken person
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or "Ma"
N
Nek it - drink that drink in one
Nice One -that was good
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Norwegain - Another Gin please
Now Yer Sucken Deezel -that's a good way of going about that
O
Offees -alchohol retailer
Oi -a yelp for someones attention ie Oi! You! C'mere!"
Oxters -Armpits
P
Pat - container in which food is boiled
Prably -maybe, its likely
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Parfil - strong
Peeler -a police officer
Piece -sandwich
Pot - short for Patrick
Pssskety -common misprounciation of "Spaghetti"
Pump - to urinate
Purdie -countryside slang for Potato
Q
Quim -slang for female genetalia
R
Ragin' -angry, Ahm bloody ragin' so ah am.
Ration -you'd be doing this if you were trying to get to somewhere in a hurry, in Ballymena
Rare -not to be confused with "scarce", means crap
S
Samitch -mispronunciation of "Sandwhich"
Scundered - embarrassed
Sebm -seven [7]
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Sicken' Ye - would annoy you
Skinned Ye! - Haha my good friend, I do believe I won that particular game by a significant margin
Slabber -someone who makes bad comments about you behind your back or to your face
Spoofen - lying
Spide - see Steek
Spoon -someone with a low IQ
Steek -male with bad dress and hair sense
Stroked - stolen / ripped off
T
Ta -Thank You
Tarl - a towel
Theee -the number three
Theee Leet - 3 litre bottle of cider
Till -replaces the word "to" ie Goin till the shap"
Tube -see: Spoon
Two Leet - 2 litre bottle of cider
U
Undurstawnd -understand ie Do ye undurstawnd me?
V
Vaka -Vodka
W
Weaker -yet another word for "brilliant"
Welt -male genitals
Wee -put in front of words such as "drink", "dander", and basically anything
Wick -not exactly brilliant
Willik - nose
Wiredintillit -"Got wiredintillit earlee-er"
Windie -a window
Windielickurs -horrid term for the mentally disadvantaged
Windie Still -a window sill
Wooden One -not a clever person
X
X-Acktlee -exactly
Y
Yermaa -an insult said when nothing else can be thought of
Yeegittin? -Are you being served?
Yip -yes
Yousens - When addressing more than one person
Z
Zabra/Zedbra -Zebra

[GAVIN.MCAVOY]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice
performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front
desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the
evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him
a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by
her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange
happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt
something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found
a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something
wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and
gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of
chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the
last guy did."