A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size" She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[KinKyJ]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two Morocans (Mexicans for US people) are sitting in a car. Who's driving?


The cops.

[Lorn]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Haha.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[TheMightyGreg]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ Lol. Best one yet by far.

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a
general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have
Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure Dead
brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a
dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy.
" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F
Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I
know!
Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at
the
front: "Yes Timothy." Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):
"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking
round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent):
"Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur f***s sake, WHERE did all
these English B******S come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on f**k'in
Tuesday!!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out twenty $500 bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $10,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Birmingham." "Really" she said. "I have family in Birmingham."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming ...
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed ...
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."