A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

This past week I was recently riding with a friend of mine. My friend seemed to drive somewhat cautiously, what with the weather conditions and all.

Soon enough, we approach a red light and he shoots right through it! A bit terrified at what just happened, I ask him,
"Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

At this point, I put on my seatbelt. Shortly thereafter, we come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it! I ask him with more urgency this time, "What are you doing? Why'd you do that?" And again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

A few moments later, we come to a green light, and all of sudden he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shout at him at the top of my lungs, "Why do you do that?! Are you trying to kill me!?"

He replied, "On the contrary. I may have saved both of us. You see, my brother could be coming the other way."

[Localizer]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOL this shit needs to be stickied

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

repost:

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.
Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.
Blonde: Sure, why not?
Lawyer: Great. What’s the circumference of the earth?
Blonde (after quietly handing him $5 from her purse): OK, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?
The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without any luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.
She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself: “Wait! You’ve gotta tell me, what was the answer???” Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then lays down and falls back asleep.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER.....
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

[GLD]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

RiseandShine, you da man, keep 'em coing...

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER.....
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

hahahaha

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A rancher and his bitchy wife were seated in a fancy restaurant while on vacation in Paris. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a big juicy porterhouse steak."
"Oui, monsieur," the waiter replied, "but what about ze mad cow?"
"Hell," said the rancher, "just bring her a salad."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunkenstranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slamsthe door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in then morningand it is pouring rain outside!”

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke downand those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[KinKyJ]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

In the immigration office:


Q.: "Name?"
A.: "Abdul Dalah Sarafi."

Q.: "Sex?"
A.: "Four times a week."

Q.: "No, no, no... male or female?"
A.: "Male, female... sometimes camel..."*

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat,
until you moan and groan
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID Ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T' error? What's that. In case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned...." Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error Before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. 'I D 1 0 T'

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....