A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.
"The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework assignment, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Kyall]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.



He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid 'Kevin'. 'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?' 'Kevin', she said.



'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'



'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'



'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

[Kyall]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"



She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."



After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"



She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."



He does, and again that warms him up.



After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.



When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"



She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

[Kyall]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"



Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."



So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart."



The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."



Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."



The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?"



Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

[Kyall]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Life of an egg:

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.

5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

[jarble187]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and a woman meet each other at a party and begin a conversation.
The woman tells him "My name is Carmen.
I adopted it as an adult because it reflects the two things in life which I find most interesting. Cars and men. What's your name?"
After a very brief pause, he said "Golftits."

[threehills]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
Hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
Rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
To keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
To disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
Demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
Condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
Placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
Could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
Confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
Means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
Tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
Again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
Seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The
Bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
Have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
Safe. For now..

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B$@T*RD!!!!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"