A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[GregWhelan]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ ha ha the oldies are the best!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Jokes for the older crowd:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!

[GLD]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Talking about bringing old threads back...

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, asked, Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

top 10 signs that your child is too old to be breastfed

10. He can open your blouse by himself, with one hand.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
And the number one sign your child is too old to breastfeed:
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy, waiting for his mother to come out of a store, is approached by a man asking directions: "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
"Sure," says the kid, "just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn right."
The man thanks the boy kindly and adds, "I am the new preacher in town, and if you come to the church on Sunday, I will show you how to get to heaven."
The boy grins, in that way kids have a way of grinning when they know something you don't: "Aw, c'mon, you don't even know the way to the post office!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.


Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.


After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.


The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,

"What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEB R ATE !!!

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here.........

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.


On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.


People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.


He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving companies pack everything to take to their new home.........


And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!