A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"

Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"

[tato2001us]

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey, what're you in for??
?I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,? said Tim.
?Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!?
?Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. ?That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for??
?I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered. ?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.


Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk", worth 70 points or none at all. One student, who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote...

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.


"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.


"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.


They all board the train.


The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.


When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.


The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, “Watch this…”
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a fag got.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?”
The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a
transvestite fag got.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”
So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”
And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying.

[GLD]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place...

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives
his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken
tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light
for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for
not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What men mean

"I'M GOING FISHING" = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING" = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." = mEANS Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" = "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." = "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." = "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" = "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." = "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." = "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam. A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company’.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse?

Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."


"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.


"Two dogs, please," said one.


The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'


The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.