A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

blind man walks into a little restaurant & sits down. The owner, walks up to him & hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind & can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it & order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile & picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table & hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose & takes in a deep breath.
"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf & mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen & tells his
wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats & leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns & the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni & cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around

with him & tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming & runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies & hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in & sits down, the owner is ready & waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you & I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, & says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Heaven?


The guy replies: "I'm Joe Caloway, taxi driver, of New York City."


St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and goldenstaff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."


The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.


Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."


St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."


"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get an ordinary cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"


"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.
Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or date.

"The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat.


The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", he says with admiration.



"Thanks!" the girl says.



The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.



"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."



The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot.

[tato2001us]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.""Alright" says the bartender.As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.""Comin' right up" the bartender says.As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

[godisadj]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Hope this one hasn't been posted before...

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.


The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.


"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."


"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his
cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle
and went 'bang, bang'."


"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[psylucas911]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

hahahaha

[threehills]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ haha, yeah thats a good one. The firetruck one made me laugh as well.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.
"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."
Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car.
Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK preacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
"You better let Him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill Him."

[godisadj]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little cheesy but still good for a smile:
What's ET short for?
.
.
.
Because he's only got little legs.


One I think is good that was told to me recently:
What do you call a black airline pilot?
.
.
.
A pilot you fucking racist bastard.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The mafathers-dayluke.jpgn decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Redneck Vasectomy


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alter native," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, West Virginia and Arkansas.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asked,

"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated,

"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked,

"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.

So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

"Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there was no response.

So he walked right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

(you'll just love this...)



"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

[shosh]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."