A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[jarble187]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Double Post- Sorry fellas

[jarble187]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied..... ..'Parkinsons.'

[TheMightyGreg]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
’You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”
“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”
That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”


“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.


“Fine, then let’s switch places,” the bartender says.


So, they do. The man takes the bartender’s place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, “You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda.”


“Sorry,” the man says, “but we don’t serve Republicans here.”

[RiseandShine]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can’t take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who’sa talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my friend a how to spell ’ Mississippi ‘.”

[Troklo]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.


As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.


The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.She whispers softly to the man

behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.



As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.



She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into it's eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

[jarble187]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Subject: THE GIFT
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the sales women to have them delivered with a note.



WHILE WRAPPING THE GLOVES, A CLERK ACCIDENTALLY MIXED UP THE ORDER AND SENT A PAIR OF PANTIES INSTEAD.



Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see them again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them, So they won't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,

PS. THE LATEST STYLE IS TO WEAR THEM FOLDED DOWN WITH A LITTLE FUR SHOWING

[Steve Graham]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^ thats great!

[Huggie Smiles]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Patrick Swayze's just landed a part in Ghost II

Filming starts in 6 weeks




(bahdum ching!)

[threehills]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

ouch!

[Kamal]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think
I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still

been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

[Miroslav]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ awesome

[Steve Graham]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

lmao, brilliant