Ahem

[toasty]

Noticed something today. I was sitting in the restroom for my morning ritual, if you catch my drift, and, as happens from time to time, someone from the cleaning crew came into the bathroom. As I typically do, I conspicuously but quietly cleared my throat, and she went away. This is actually a pretty common occurrence. I tend to visit the throne room at pretty much the same time each day, and they must do their rounds at the same time.

Anyway, on this particular occasion, there happened to be someone in the next stall. This guy also conspicuously but quietly cleared his throat at the same time I did.

This led me to a realization -- that sound must be the universally accepted way of conveying, "I'm dropping a load in here, please come back later." At least it appears to have developed that way in our office. Anyone do the same thing?

[SyntaxTerror]

Re: Ahem

I would have thought the little red engaged thing on the door would've been enough to tell them you were in there...

[BureOne]

Re: Ahem

HAHha, that shits funny (pun intended). I do the same thing, just to let anyone know that there IS someone inside the stahl. Sometimes people dont notice the feeT at the bottom and try ot open your door.

It's funny. I used to be a bit embarrassed as too some others would when laying down their load.

now I just let it rip. No need to cough or flush, sniff your nose. its fart away and let the soothing sounds of lushy fudge make its sound.

sometimes a slight jiggle of your ass to make the cover seat move works as well.

[Lrn]

Re: Ahem

I would have thought the little red engaged thing on the door would've been enough to tell them you were in there...

either that or the unique smell of freshly excreated human shit from 2 dudes in a office bathroom

[toasty]

Re: Ahem

now I just let it rip. No need to cough or flush, sniff your nose. its fart away and let the soothing sounds of lushy fudge make its sound.

Word. Reminds me of when I was a kid in church many, many years ago. Some guy comes in, sits in the stall next to me, and proceeds to start blowing ass. Being a kid, I found this incredibly funny -- well, who am I kidding, probably still would -- and tried to unsuccessfully stifle my laughter. The guy says, "What, a guy can't even take a shit in peace anymore?"

Those words are as true today as they were back then. If you can't fart freely on the toilet, then, really, where can you fart freely?

I can confirm, by the way, that "my office" is an incorrect answer. Learned that the hard way when I tried to slide one out only to have my secretary unexpectedly arrive immediately thereafter. There was no getting around it, had to just sheepishly apologize for the rank odor and silently swear to not do that again.

[unkownartist]

Re: Ahem

lmao @ fart away, exactly what i was gonna say

[Jenks]

Re: Ahem

I know you're a big fan of talk like a pirate day toasty- this year in the stall yell..."Thar she blows!!! Yarrrrrrrr!!!"

[Jenks]

Re: Ahem

"Who does number two work for!!??"

[Jenks]

Re: Ahem

When people are in the restroom, i always like to walk out of a stall doing some boxing moves, like i just kicked that turd's ass. Duck, move, jab jab, hook, ...duck move, jab jab uppercut!!

[lilsensa]

Re: Ahem

Our janitor came into the restroom today while I was shitting, and as soon as I was done, he walked right in to clean the stall that I just got done wrecking house in. You know damn well that it stunk soo bad. But he went in anyway..What a trooper haha

[beanzncheez]

Re: Ahem

I usually just talk to myself as if I were talking to a baby. "You can do it! I know you can do it. Who's the master pooper? Are you the master pooper? I know you can do that pooper!"

[Yao]

Re: Ahem

this thread is ?berfunny...but somehow pooping also is.

Referring to Lilsensa: I has something alike happening, but the situation is a bit different. We have 2 restrooms for the ladies, one shared and one for the men. I used the shared one to put Nelson Mandela on the train, and right after (with stinky stink still around) THE hottest teamleader chick on our floor walks right into it. I guess she never looked at me the same way, but she didn't make a sound .

To console myself I've since then adopted the agade "A real man stinks harder".

[hambino21]

Re: Ahem

I know this has been posted here before but it seems perfect for this situation

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

[hambino21]

Re: Ahem

I remember when I first went through bootcamp, everyone in my flight was stopped up for like a week and a half or so. Till this day we can't figure out why this occured; whether it was stress, or something they put in the food, either way it sucked. Well after our first day of PT(physical training) it was a race to the shitter.. Sixty dudes running to go fight over 6 toilettes, not a pretty sight. The events that followed were putrid and hilarious at the same time. every stall wass full with dudes holding on to the walls on the sides while they took the biggest crap they've ever taken in thier life. Noises and a stench you never thought could come out of human beings were being emmitted all over. Meanwhile tons of dues are outside of each stall cheering them on and laughing at the same time because of the rediculous situation we were all in and the fact that they could barely hold it anymore themselves. either way, i will definitely never forget that shit. whew.

[AndyH]

Re: Ahem

Why are farts and shits always so funny for blokes do u think? No matter what age, shits always get discussed in depth and farts never fail to raise a laugh. Im grinning at my desk just writing this!