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Dear America,
David Beckham is here! Maybe you didn't read the previous sentence correctly. David Beckham is in the mother fucking United States! Why aren't you masturbating and shooting off fireworks? This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of our country. He is a glorious man. I am going to be a huge soccer fan now. I could just shit myself because I'm so excited.
You know what he is going to do, don't you? He is going to kick the fuck out of a soccer ball for some team in a league. It is going to be awesome. Everything he does is really fucking cool. I routinely piss myself with excitement when I hear any news about him. I have remedied the situation by affixing an empty Gatorade bottle to my penis before I leave the house each morning.
It sure is funny and interesting how David Beckham drags that orange mannequin all over town with him. I heard it was once in the musical sensation the Spice Girls. That's cool. I guess animatronics improved and they replaced that mannequin with one that could do more moves. I wonder if he bought that one on eBay, or if they just gave it to him because he's David Beckham. Probably just gave it to him. I always wanted a Jasper T. Jowels anamatronic mannequin from the Chuck E. Cheese shows, but I never got one.
Did you know they once made a movie about a brown girl who wanted to kick a soccer ball like David Beckham? I bet that was awesome. I just put it on my Netflix queue. I'm gonna watch the shit out of it. I'll probably masturbate to it--what am I talking about? Of course I'll masturbate to it.
I can't believe that some people are actually saying that the whole circus surrounding the arrival of David Beckham is media-contrived. That's like saying that ESPN's Who's Now Tournament doesn't mean anything. The media would never smash something down your throat to make you believe it's popular. Blind trust titillates me.
Did you know David Beckham is best friends with Tom Cruise? Tom Mother Fucking Cruise! That guy was in Willow with a midget! Fucking awesome!
WWJD? No, I will not call the first ten people in my cell phone and ask them if they give a flaming shit about David Beckham coming to America. I have nothing to prove to myself. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. And popularity is important. If more people like something, that proves it's better than everything less people like. Remember high school?
David Beckham is a wonderfully skilled professional soccer star, AND he's a beautiful man. So what if he is now in a country that cares far more about televised poker games than professional soccer? It really doesn't matter because David Beckham always has different, crazy haircuts. I may get Beckham's jersey tattooed on my chest.
Uh oh, it seems that this recent surge in excitement has caused me to piss again. Good job, tightly secured empty Gatorade bottle. You are empty no longer.
I can almost guarantee that Beckham is going to take home the championship trophy in that league he is playing for that everyone cares about. Then we'll see a real media circus. I wonder if folks will try to label that one as "media-contrived". Soccer is fun, interesting, and meaningful for the average American to watch.
The past few weeks, I've been kept up by the idea that the apocalypse may occur over an identity mix-up between David Beckham and Jesus. I don't think that in reality there would any reason to fret. I have come to the conclusion that we would all be perfectly fine. Beckham would just challenge Jesus to a game of soccer or sexy face contest for the fate of our planet, and even though an Arizona Cardinals scrimmage on NFL Network would draw higher ratings, the world would be saved with a blasphemous array of bicycle kicks and well-timed headers. It would just be an ordinary day for David Beckham, the new father of our country.
Go professional soccer team that David Beckham plays for!
Sincerely,
John Q. Everyman
Dear America,
David Beckham is here! Maybe you didn't read the previous sentence correctly. David Beckham is in the mother fucking United States! Why aren't you masturbating and shooting off fireworks? This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of our country. He is a glorious man. I am going to be a huge soccer fan now. I could just shit myself because I'm so excited.
You know what he is going to do, don't you? He is going to kick the fuck out of a soccer ball for some team in a league. It is going to be awesome. Everything he does is really fucking cool. I routinely piss myself with excitement when I hear any news about him. I have remedied the situation by affixing an empty Gatorade bottle to my penis before I leave the house each morning.
It sure is funny and interesting how David Beckham drags that orange mannequin all over town with him. I heard it was once in the musical sensation the Spice Girls. That's cool. I guess animatronics improved and they replaced that mannequin with one that could do more moves. I wonder if he bought that one on eBay, or if they just gave it to him because he's David Beckham. Probably just gave it to him. I always wanted a Jasper T. Jowels anamatronic mannequin from the Chuck E. Cheese shows, but I never got one.
Did you know they once made a movie about a brown girl who wanted to kick a soccer ball like David Beckham? I bet that was awesome. I just put it on my Netflix queue. I'm gonna watch the shit out of it. I'll probably masturbate to it--what am I talking about? Of course I'll masturbate to it.
I can't believe that some people are actually saying that the whole circus surrounding the arrival of David Beckham is media-contrived. That's like saying that ESPN's Who's Now Tournament doesn't mean anything. The media would never smash something down your throat to make you believe it's popular. Blind trust titillates me.
Did you know David Beckham is best friends with Tom Cruise? Tom Mother Fucking Cruise! That guy was in Willow with a midget! Fucking awesome!
WWJD? No, I will not call the first ten people in my cell phone and ask them if they give a flaming shit about David Beckham coming to America. I have nothing to prove to myself. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. And popularity is important. If more people like something, that proves it's better than everything less people like. Remember high school? David Beckham is a wonderfully skilled professional soccer star, AND he's a beautiful man. So what if he is now in a country that cares far more about televised poker games than professional soccer? It really doesn't matter because David Beckham always has different, crazy haircuts. I may get Beckham's jersey tattooed on my chest.
Uh oh, it seems that this recent surge in excitement has caused me to piss again. Good job, tightly secured empty Gatorade bottle. You are empty no longer.
I can almost guarantee that Beckham is going to take home the championship trophy in that league he is playing for that everyone cares about. Then we'll see a real media circus. I wonder if folks will try to label that one as "media-contrived". Soccer is fun, interesting, and meaningful for the average American to watch.
The past few weeks, I've been kept up by the idea that the apocalypse may occur over an identity mix-up between David Beckham and Jesus. I don't think that in reality there would any reason to fret. I have come to the conclusion that we would all be perfectly fine. Beckham would just challenge Jesus to a game of soccer or sexy face contest for the fate of our planet, and even though an Arizona Cardinals scrimmage on NFL Network would draw higher ratings, the world would be saved with a blasphemous array of bicycle kicks and well-timed headers. It would just be an ordinary day for David Beckham, the new father of our country.
Go professional soccer team that David Beckham plays for!
Sincerely,
John Q. Everyman
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