Help!!!!!!!!

[pipey]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

Living together before marriage can be uniquely difficult, living together after marriage of course is no picnic either...

Do you and her have a game plan as to when you might get engaged? It could very well be that she is scared that you seem too comfortable with the idea of casually living together and receiving all the benefits of living together without the ultimate commitment.

My advice is to show her your vision for the two of you (at the appropriate time). Perhaps give her until next week, and then suprise her with dinner reservations, then let her know how much her moving out has made your re-evaluate your relationship and then tell her where you hope to see it go.
That is of course, if you are ready to discuss your future with her.

Keep us posted.

we got engaged listening to lee burridge playing in our fav club about 8 months ago...

as for the new found freedom, she smoked as much weed as i did, played wow too - was actually hot, and dirty enough, and not slutty and beautiful and wonderful and an amazing chef and etc etc = not the kind you want to be having second thoughts with

[toasty]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

just chill, enjoy your newfound freedom hire, all the dvds you havnt been allowed to watch, leave your clothes lying all over the floor, fill the kitchen with unwashed dishes, drink milk out the carton.

George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

In all seriousness, man, just give her some space. If it's meant to be, she'll be back before too long.

[Kamal]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

I've always read a lot of good advise from people on break ups/seperations etc. but the ones suffering through it always felt that no matter how good the advise, perhaps they should've / could've done something different / better that would have resulted in their better half coming back.

This is one of the reasons I always suggest to friends who are going through it, to do exactly what their heart tells them to do. A distressed heart see no logic and no matter how logical the advise, it will tend to see/perceive the situation differently. And so do what YOU feel is right because at the end of the day, YOU need to be comfortable with where it's ended up no matter how much advise you have gotten (of course this is one of them too).

As long as you know you did your best for it, that in the end will help you gain more confidence in yourself or help you move on (whatever the outcome of your actions)

[speciale]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

^^ THIS.

I agree that at this point you have to not stand in her way too much and let her come to some things on her own... but this tends to make a big difference very many long-term relationships.

well said. Also, if she has any doubts now, it is better finding this out now and not 1yr into a marraige.

I was in a similar situation years ago, engaged and she started having doubts. At first, I was like wtf? I felt like shit, but then I then opened my eyes and started to see how she wasn’t the one for me. I had my eyes closed for 5 years and once they were opened, I let her go. If we would have been married, it would have been disastrous. Her doubts allowed me to stop for a second and really evaluate things. A few years later I met my wife and couldn’t be happier.

I am not saying this is the same case for you, not by any means, just sharing my experience.

You can also use this time for yourself. It hurts, I know the feeling, but it is really out of your control. Before you know it, she will realize what is right for her and be back at your doorstep. I really hope things work out the best for you guys.

I hate these sayings but:

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

[Dhar_2]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

I've always read a lot of good advise from people on break ups/seperations etc. but the ones suffering through it always felt that no matter how good the advise, perhaps they should've / could've done something different / better that would have resulted in their better half coming back.

This is one of the reasons I always suggest to friends who are going through it, to do exactly what their heart tells them to do. A distressed heart see no logic and no matter how logical the advise, it will tend to see/perceive the situation differently. And so do what YOU feel is right because at the end of the day, YOU need to be comfortable with where it's ended up no matter how much advise you have gotten (of course this is one of them too).

As long as you know you did your best for it, that in the end will help you gain more confidence in yourself or help you move on (whatever the outcome of your actions)

a very adult response!

[floridaorange]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

^Sure, but pipey wouldn't post a "Help!!!!!!!!!! thread" if he didn't want some input. Besides, there is nothing wrong with added perspective on stuff like this, so long as the person receiving it can differentiate between good advice and bad advice. Also, sometimes a little added input from others can clarify what the heart may be saying, it's not always clear, imo.

Now that I know they have been engaged for 8 months, my advice would be different than what I posted earlier. I would suggest listening to her very carefully next time you guys talk in person, practice your empathic skills. And yes, at the end of the day, you 2 will be fine if you are meant to be.

[dusk]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

the problem is, all the things shes complaining about are thngs shes could so easily solve - but she wont listen to me!

This I find rather interesting... its not like she won't listen its more like she doesn't really want to hear the solution to her problem (even if it is the correct solution) .. sometimes you just need to listen.. yup empathy works very well... that's why its very important for a women to also have extremely good girlfriends. Girlfriends are great at empathy ... guys are generally more realistic, see the problem for what it is and bamm there is a solution!

[DIDI]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

What ever happens, maintain your own life, if she comes back you can share , if not, you still have a life. !

[pipey]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

thanks for all the great advice everyone... i know i know

the things she needs to get sorted are meeting some new friends, and getting her finances sorted. our jobs mean that our days off never fall together, so we dont get to spend enough time together = she could fix this by talking to her boss, as shes a chef and i work in an offce - i wish she woudl ask him for a couple weekends off = cos i know hed say yes....

she needs to see all the things that i do for her too - she has never been flatting or anything, apart from living with me - she has no idea, i have done everything - its going to surprise her to come back and see how tidy i keep my house without her - althoug, id have her and the mess back in a second.

[speciale]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

best of luck to you guys. It will take some time so be patient.

[floridaorange]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

OH!!! How could I forget, while your listening to her really well give her a foot massage She's a chef, so let her know that since she's on her feet so much you'd like to give her foot massages a couple of times a week.
Ok, I think you are all set!

[speciale]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

or, once she leaves get a hooker for the night. I am not sure how that will help the relationship, but it will help put your mind at ease. just kidding.

[DIDI]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

thanks for all the great advice everyone... i know i know

the things she needs to get sorted are meeting some new friends, and getting her finances sorted. our jobs mean that our days off never fall together, so we dont get to spend enough time together = she could fix this by talking to her boss, as shes a chef and i work in an offce - i wish she woudl ask him for a couple weekends off = cos i know hed say yes....

she needs to see all the things that i do for her too - she has never been flatting or anything, apart from living with me - she has no idea, i have done everything - its going to surprise her to come back and see how tidy i keep my house without her - althoug, id have her and the mess back in a second.

Bit of tough love here . Pipey, You are whining !! . You are not listening here either , you keep going "but, but " You actually asking her to do a lot . If you let her go, while letting her know you are there if she needs you, she will discover all those things on her own and hopefully she will realise you are the one !

You are actually a lot better off if she does go out into the world on her own . If she doesn't she will always have the thought that she could be missing out!! Maybe she wants to know what she can do for herself!! If she comes back to you you will have a far stronger relationship. From what you have said the two of you have lot going for you, let her find that out for herself

Actually you don't have a choice here, you HAVE to let her go, or risk her resenting you and ruining everything you have now !!

Really hope it all works out for the best for both of you !!

[pipey]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the kick up the arse didi... i needed that you are so right.

[Dhar_2]

Re: Help!!!!!!!!

well we all know didi's got balls!