Your contribution for joke of the year

[tien]

i know a similar joke to the first one, i tohught u were going to say it, but u didnt.
so I will...
(its sort of cheesy, im sure most of you probably have heard it)

So this guy walks into a pet store to buy an animal...
He sees this parrot reading a book, Hes like ooo I'll take this one,
The clerk says I dont think you want this one, and hes like no i do, so he takes it home.
He goes home and he takes out his crackers and asks the bird, "polly want a cracker?"
the bird puts down his book and replies, " FUCK YOU"
the man is shocked, and asks again, the bird again says, " Fuck You"
The man says alright, last time, Polly want a cracker, the parrot does it again, FUCK YOU
the man gets so mad he throws the bird in the freezer. The man calms down and accidentally falls asleep. Upon waking up in the morning, he runs over to the freezer, opens it and finds the bird
frozen, with his middle finger up
The end
toldya it was cheesy..

[thrualoooop]

two cops were outside the clubs in the party district
as closing time arrives the messed up folks begin to pour out
they notice this one guy in particular stumbling out carkeys in hand
he walks stumbling and dropping his keys to a car(not his)
they watch as the key won't work
he stumbles to the next car(not his) key still does'nt work
after a half hour and a dozen cars he finally gets into his car
they walk up and ask "sir you've been drinking you're not driving"
he says"no officers i'm the DD"
they say "what[laughing] the DD"
with a sober straight face he says "yeah, i'm the designated distraction"

[tiddles]

what knocks on the door, turns around 3 times and then explodes?



















a baby in the microwave

[Yao]

What is green and goed downhill in the snowy mountains?















A skiwi.

[thrualoooop]

a man sits next to a fine woman with a short skirt on a plane flight
she sneezes and wipes between her legs w/a tissue
hey says bless you
she sneezes again and wipes between her legs w/a tissue
he says bless you
after a few more times he's wondering and asks
"don't mean to be rude but what is with the sneezing and wiping?"
she says "i have a rare disease and everytime i sneeze i climax"
he says "wow what are you taking for that?"
she says "pepper!"

[thesightless]

"" If you think New Jersey smells bad, take a whiff of Jim McGreevey's cock.""

(tshirt hell)

[brakada]

Iraq WMDs.

Ooops, sorry, I forgot that was last year... :wink:

I agree with Yao: Arielus and "another forum" are the winners.

[deeprogressions]

Re: Your contribution for joke of the year

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

__________________________________________________ _____________________

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

__________________________________________________ _____________________
and last but not least...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[msanchez]

IM A PIMP!!

[Huggie Smiles]

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want
to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel, but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.


(Nicked wholeheartedly from the SLAMboard

[WilDFire]

My favorite:

Q: What's brown, has a thousand seeds, and moves all by itself?

A: A remote controlled fig.

#2

Q: What's purple and glows?

A: An electric grape.

More to come if I can remember them...

[bremspg]

Re: Your contribution for joke of the year

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

__________________________________________________ _____________________

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."--

[ezdude1970]

Re: Your contribution for joke of the year

PISTOL PACKING

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[GerryD]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing
alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men."

They continued to talk and finally she asked his name.

"Beerfuck," he said

[Duff McKagin]

Here's a few:

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

-She moans with the other one

What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?

-She screamed her hands off

What did Hellen Keller's mom do to her when she swore?

- She washed her hands out with soap

What do you do after you eat a vegetable?

-Put her back in her wheelchair

A quadropalegic is sitting out by a resort pool and she asks this hot guy to fuck her. he refuses. she asks him again, and again he refuses. finally she begs him to fuck her. So he picks her up and throws her in the pool and says, "there, now you're fucked."

A 7 year old girl is taking a shower with her mother and points to her breasts and says "mommy, when am i going to get those?" the mother replies, "when you're older and developed." the next day she is taking a shower with her father and points to his dick and asks, "daddy, when am i going to get one of those?" the father replies, "in about 10 minutes when your mother goes to the store."

How do you stop a baby from crying?

-With an axe

...god i have so many more...i know these are bad but they're damn funny
peace
ryan