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It's a rough time to be a deity. It used to be all they had to do to get a little shine was cure a disease, but these days there's always a douchebucket scientist ready to take the credit with their medicine or some such nonsense. Way to fuck up omnibenevolence, Science. Worse, courtesy of alarmist zombie flicks, gods can't even raise the dead without creating an uproar.
Grandiose miracles have curiously had to take a back seat to more obscure ones to receive notice. Subtle tactics like influencing the outcome of a sporting event worked pretty well, but there was never any guarantee that athletes would thank the right god. Jesus has been coasting on Odin's work in football for years.
The reason this happens is simple - Jesus' marketing staff OWNS. They understand a miracle without a recognizable stamp is up for grabs. They also pioneered the mantra "The quickest way to a believer's heart is through their stomach". For some reason our primal instincts seem to crave gods that are as powerful as they are delcious. Lord Ganesha appearing in a flower is precious and all, but hardly very appetizing:
Hey, L.G., nobody wants their miracle to be a garnish.
I don't want to tell you celestial beings how to do your job (I so do), but allow me to trot out a few examples of miracles closer to the mark.
1. Marmite Messiah
If this looks like a baby-shit stain to you, the reality is you're not far off. This is marmite, a byproduct of beer brewing, that is used for a toast spread. It is popular in the UK, presumably because their breads taste worse than yeast turds or the population have their tongues scalded with acid as part of a coming of age ceremony.
I don't think this is Jesus' best work. Something about the eyebrows on this one gives me a bit more Charles Manson than son of God:
2. Kit-Kat Khrist
Maybe it's more Bearded Bobby Deniro than Buddy Christ, but there's no denying this is the most delectable miracle yet. Still you'd think someone with omnipotence would know a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup would be the more sanctified choice.
3. Our Lady Of Limburger
The clarity of the image on the grilled cheese sandwich is undeniable, but I do have to question if it is a truly a miracle. The creator looks as if she's no stranger to a diet rich in carbs and molten cheese sauces. it was probably just a matter of time before she made a series of sandwiches accidentally inscribed with the collective works of Shakespeare.
4. Allah Tags The Produce Aisle
Belief in Allah is not only a means to salvation, but it cures scurvy as well.
For some reason Allah only puts his name on fresh fruit and vegetables. No wonder most Americans find him so foreign.
5. Teach A Man To Fish Stick, He'll Eat (Poorly) Forever
6. Betcha Can't Save Just One!
According to 55 year old Rosalie Dawson, this chip bears the image of Jesus Christ. It's a shame that God opted to bless her potato chip rather than cure her glaucoma, but if she's convinced Drinky Crow is yahweh who am I to argue?
Pictured: Her Own Personal Jesus
7. Cinna-saint
It's unusual for saints to make appearances like this, but after Mother Teresa's death got upstaged by Princess Di she was desperate for some comeuppance. The validity of this miracle was debated by The Vatican for some time until a cardinal noted these unusual markings inside one of the roll's folds:
8. Cheesus
Though this was uncovered years ago, it is still a controversial object. Many theologens contend it is indisputably an extruded, deep-fried manifestation of the crucifiction. Others contend it is "some dude just rockin' the fuck OUT."
9. Mary + Jesus Jawbreaker
Caveat emptor: There is no guarantee this will actually taste like Jesus or his mother.
I definitely can see Mary and her veil, but Jesus seems to be an oversized prada bag.
10. Pious Pop-tart
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