Today's Funnies

[picklemonkey]

^ :ROFLMAO:

should've said "make me the only gorgeous person in this line"

[bart_smastard]

Re: Today's Funnies

Rumsfeld is about to give Bush his briefing on the current situation in Iraq but bush interupts and asks
GWB : how many died yesterday
DR : 2 brazilians
GWB : What .. ooooo no, that's it pull our troops out
DR : over two brazilians! get a grip we are getting things under control
GWB : there has been enough slaughter already wev'e done our best now get our boys out of there
DR : I think ure bing hasty sir we should hang in a bit longer
GWB : Too many lives have been lost already ..( bush stops to think )



GWB : Donald how many thousands are there in a brazillion?

[thesightless]

Re: Today's Funnies

did you hear the one about the two antennas that got married???







the reception was terrific.

(rimshot here)

[useyurbrain]

Re: Today's Funnies

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They
are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter
asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the
tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked
one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to
be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

14 - 2

[thesightless]

Re: Today's Funnies

[NastyD]

Re: Today's Funnies

Rumsfeld is about to give Bush his briefing on the current situation in Iraq but bush interupts and asks
GWB : how many died yesterday
DR : 2 brazilians
GWB : What .. ooooo no, that's it pull our troops out
DR : over two brazilians! get a grip we are getting things under control
GWB : there has been enough slaughter already wev'e done our best now get our boys out of there
DR : I think ure bing hasty sir we should hang in a bit longer
GWB : Too many lives have been lost already ..( bush stops to think )



GWB : Donald how many thousands are there in a brazillion?

I beat you to it...

http://www.mercuryserver.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18622

[shosh]

Re: Today's Funnies

Someone was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrasment. Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat.


Chris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[AndyH]

Re: Today's Funnies

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.


He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he
tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey. I love you".


To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept
any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong honey.
I love you, too."

[AndyH]

Re: Today's Funnies

Ok, for all those non Brits on here, girls from Essex (an area in the UK near london) have a well known reputation for being dumb and slags:

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her: "Treacle, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!

"It's not just one car!"said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!


An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

>Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
>Sharon: Ok
>Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
>Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down

[peloquin]

Re: Today's Funnies

i didnt read the dates, thought it was a new thread, and saw patakys post, i thought he was back

funny jokes, must have missed this thread the first time