Your contribution for joke of the year

[Yao]

Re: Your contribution for joke of the year

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Mwuhahahahaahahaaaaaa!!

This must be one of the best I've ever heard, along with Arielus's contribution. I just kept on laughing on this one...

[dtgunslinger]

Ok here are a couple,
1.
2 guys walk into a bar. Which is a funny thing because after the frist walked into it you would think the other would have ducked.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no lges at the bottom of the ocean?

Same guy hanging on your wall?

Same guy in a pot of boiling water?

Same guy on top of the ocean?

Laying in front of your door?

Sandy, Art, Stew, Bob and Matt.

and of course my daughters favorite,

How do you get a one armed monkey out of a tree?

Wave to him.

Arielus that was very very good.