As you're no doubt aware by now, nothing is more important to us here at the Dig than your children's safety. That's why every year we publish a list of toys that can cause serious injury or even death in children. Since we launched this program five years ago, the positive response from both the media and the public has brought about many toy and product design changes. We have fearlessly stood fast against the greedheads in the toy industry and exposed potentially dangerous toys to the general public. As a result, literally hundreds of children's lives have been saved.
As a service to you and your family, we urge you to take the following notes under consideration. Failure to do so will result in a holiday season absolutely drenched in the blood and gore of everyone you love.
A-Rod Purpleberry Lip Gloss
Price: $2.99
Tagline: ?Look as Mediocre as You Play!?
Description: The overrated Yankees third baseman finally shares the secret to his luscious purple lips with the world.
Hazards: Choking hazard.
SpongeBob SquarePants Contraceptive Sponge
Price: $10.99 for four sponges
Logo: Determined-looking SpongeBob SquarePants swatting at approaching sperm with tennis racket and/or spatulas.
Description: Brightly colored contraceptive sponge with tie and shorts.
Hazards: Some children have reportedly played with item after use, and subsequently contracted sores on mouth and hands.
Scott and Laci Peterson Dream Boat
Price: $19.99
Tagline: ?Spend Some Time in the River with America's Most Perfect Couple!?
Description: Stylish white houseboat complete with Scott and Laci dolls.
Hazards: Prolonged exposure to product seems to drain child's interest in any non-Peterson-related news items.
My Iraqi Sandbox
Price: $199.99
Tagline: ?A Little Pile of Freedom Right in Your Backyard!?
Description: Sandbox, complete with plastic toys that greet child with flowers and cheers.
Hazards: Item, while easy to get into, proves extremely difficult to get out of.
Talking Bill O'Reilly Doll
Price: Several million per year.
Tagline: ?Shut Up! Shut! Up!?
Description: Pull a cord and this tall, disturbingly tanned Bill O'Reilly doll will dispense wisdom.
Hazards: Three of the quotes seem to come from talk-meister's recent sex scandal: ?The little short brown woman asked to see my penis, she was amazed,? ?I've got a vibrator shaped like a cock with a little battery in it,? and ?Then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing, and I'd put it in your pussy.?
My Homeless Buddy
Price: $24.99
Tagline: ?He's All Bum!?
Description: Standard My Buddy doll, with smudged face, tattered rags, beard and venereal disease.
Hazards: Stinks like shit.
Cardinal Law's Boy-flavored Lollipops
Price: $0.59 each.
Tagline: ?How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a $180 Million Abuse Settlement??
Description: Pink boy-shaped lollipop, with red altar boy robe.
Hazards: Says it'll keep its fucking mouth shut but doesn't.
Lil' Dixie Chick Dress-up Kit
Price: $29.99
Tagline: ?Sing Along with the Band the Liberal Elite Loved to Deride Until It Came Out Against Bush.?
Description: Plastic fiddle, cowboy boots, headband, blonde wig.
Hazards: Induces fits of violent rage in hillbillies, dangerous levels of patronization in liberals.
Major League Baseball 2004 World Series DVD
Price: $19.99
Tagline: ?The Curse is Broken!?
Description: 80 minute DVD chronicling the Sox's historic 2004 World Series triumph.
Hazards: Seen to induce temporary euphoria, followed by severe existential emptiness and aimlessness that lasts forever.
Fisher-Price Fun Gun
Price: $22.49
Tagline: ?Pull the Trigger! Sweet!?
Description: Amazingly realistic plastic 9mm handgun that rapid-fires small pieces of candy when trigger is pulled.
Hazards: Choking hazard. Additionally, several adults have mistaken Fun Gun for real gun.
Fisher-Price Blue State Guide to Morality
Price: One presidential election.
Tagline: ?Homosexual sodomy? Flag burning? Pagan sacrifices? Feeding Michael Moore? Don't worry - everything's cool.?
Description: Created by the Georgia school board, this four-page pamphlet provides an overview of Blue State moral values.
Hazards: Chases Our Lord from civic life.
My Dangerously Overweight Baby
Price: $12.99
Tagline: ?Now with 10 Percent More Diabetes!?
Description: Happy, fat baby doll. Used to build self-esteem in overweight children.
Hazards: Feet come off easily and pose choking hazard.
ALCOR Ted Williams Deep Freeze Playset
Price: $129.99
Tagline: ?Because Heroes Never Die!?
Description: A plastic Ted Williams action figure encased in a nine-foot-long steel cylinder filled with liquid nitrogen.
Hazards: May cause irreparable harm to the dignity of all parties involved.
Rampaging Baby Manny Game for PS2
Price: $49.99
Tagline: ??Carumba! ?Es un bebe destructivo y gordo!?
Description: In this Boston remake of a classic arcade game, the Sox slugger's ungodly mammoth infant rampages through the city, knocking down towers with a baseball bat, flipping cars and eating passersby, all the while drawing the scorn of Mayor Thomas Menino.
Hazards: Encourages hooliganism, truancy and violence by youngsters. Not endorsed by MLBPA.
Little Jimmy Jihad's Roadside Bomb Kit (coffee can not included)
Price: Whatever fertilizer and explosives go for these days.
Tagline: ?Allah Akhbar!?
Description: Kids will have hours of fun turning your backyard sandbox into their own Gaza Strip.
Hazards: Contains small moving parts that may be harmful to passersby.
Power Wheels Hummer
Price: $120,000
Tagline: ?Come Out and Let Me Liberate You.?
Description: This is the economy model, perfect for patrolling desert streets. The deluxe model, with armor, costs significantly more. But this one should do the trick, right?
Hazards: Highly vulnerable to roadside bombs.
My First Hooker Playset
Price: $200/hour
Tagline: ?Be a Man!?
Description: Everything little Billy needs to make the jump from boy to man.
Hazards: Enclosed penicillin needle not suitable for households with very young children.
As a service to you and your family, we urge you to take the following notes under consideration. Failure to do so will result in a holiday season absolutely drenched in the blood and gore of everyone you love.
A-Rod Purpleberry Lip Gloss
Price: $2.99
Tagline: ?Look as Mediocre as You Play!?
Description: The overrated Yankees third baseman finally shares the secret to his luscious purple lips with the world.
Hazards: Choking hazard.
SpongeBob SquarePants Contraceptive Sponge
Price: $10.99 for four sponges
Logo: Determined-looking SpongeBob SquarePants swatting at approaching sperm with tennis racket and/or spatulas.
Description: Brightly colored contraceptive sponge with tie and shorts.
Hazards: Some children have reportedly played with item after use, and subsequently contracted sores on mouth and hands.
Scott and Laci Peterson Dream Boat
Price: $19.99
Tagline: ?Spend Some Time in the River with America's Most Perfect Couple!?
Description: Stylish white houseboat complete with Scott and Laci dolls.
Hazards: Prolonged exposure to product seems to drain child's interest in any non-Peterson-related news items.
My Iraqi Sandbox
Price: $199.99
Tagline: ?A Little Pile of Freedom Right in Your Backyard!?
Description: Sandbox, complete with plastic toys that greet child with flowers and cheers.
Hazards: Item, while easy to get into, proves extremely difficult to get out of.
Talking Bill O'Reilly Doll
Price: Several million per year.
Tagline: ?Shut Up! Shut! Up!?
Description: Pull a cord and this tall, disturbingly tanned Bill O'Reilly doll will dispense wisdom.
Hazards: Three of the quotes seem to come from talk-meister's recent sex scandal: ?The little short brown woman asked to see my penis, she was amazed,? ?I've got a vibrator shaped like a cock with a little battery in it,? and ?Then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing, and I'd put it in your pussy.?
My Homeless Buddy
Price: $24.99
Tagline: ?He's All Bum!?
Description: Standard My Buddy doll, with smudged face, tattered rags, beard and venereal disease.
Hazards: Stinks like shit.
Cardinal Law's Boy-flavored Lollipops
Price: $0.59 each.
Tagline: ?How Many Licks Does it Take to Get to the Center of a $180 Million Abuse Settlement??
Description: Pink boy-shaped lollipop, with red altar boy robe.
Hazards: Says it'll keep its fucking mouth shut but doesn't.
Lil' Dixie Chick Dress-up Kit
Price: $29.99
Tagline: ?Sing Along with the Band the Liberal Elite Loved to Deride Until It Came Out Against Bush.?
Description: Plastic fiddle, cowboy boots, headband, blonde wig.
Hazards: Induces fits of violent rage in hillbillies, dangerous levels of patronization in liberals.
Major League Baseball 2004 World Series DVD
Price: $19.99
Tagline: ?The Curse is Broken!?
Description: 80 minute DVD chronicling the Sox's historic 2004 World Series triumph.
Hazards: Seen to induce temporary euphoria, followed by severe existential emptiness and aimlessness that lasts forever.
Fisher-Price Fun Gun
Price: $22.49
Tagline: ?Pull the Trigger! Sweet!?
Description: Amazingly realistic plastic 9mm handgun that rapid-fires small pieces of candy when trigger is pulled.
Hazards: Choking hazard. Additionally, several adults have mistaken Fun Gun for real gun.
Fisher-Price Blue State Guide to Morality
Price: One presidential election.
Tagline: ?Homosexual sodomy? Flag burning? Pagan sacrifices? Feeding Michael Moore? Don't worry - everything's cool.?
Description: Created by the Georgia school board, this four-page pamphlet provides an overview of Blue State moral values.
Hazards: Chases Our Lord from civic life.
My Dangerously Overweight Baby
Price: $12.99
Tagline: ?Now with 10 Percent More Diabetes!?
Description: Happy, fat baby doll. Used to build self-esteem in overweight children.
Hazards: Feet come off easily and pose choking hazard.
ALCOR Ted Williams Deep Freeze Playset
Price: $129.99
Tagline: ?Because Heroes Never Die!?
Description: A plastic Ted Williams action figure encased in a nine-foot-long steel cylinder filled with liquid nitrogen.
Hazards: May cause irreparable harm to the dignity of all parties involved.
Rampaging Baby Manny Game for PS2
Price: $49.99
Tagline: ??Carumba! ?Es un bebe destructivo y gordo!?
Description: In this Boston remake of a classic arcade game, the Sox slugger's ungodly mammoth infant rampages through the city, knocking down towers with a baseball bat, flipping cars and eating passersby, all the while drawing the scorn of Mayor Thomas Menino.
Hazards: Encourages hooliganism, truancy and violence by youngsters. Not endorsed by MLBPA.
Little Jimmy Jihad's Roadside Bomb Kit (coffee can not included)
Price: Whatever fertilizer and explosives go for these days.
Tagline: ?Allah Akhbar!?
Description: Kids will have hours of fun turning your backyard sandbox into their own Gaza Strip.
Hazards: Contains small moving parts that may be harmful to passersby.
Power Wheels Hummer
Price: $120,000
Tagline: ?Come Out and Let Me Liberate You.?
Description: This is the economy model, perfect for patrolling desert streets. The deluxe model, with armor, costs significantly more. But this one should do the trick, right?
Hazards: Highly vulnerable to roadside bombs.
My First Hooker Playset
Price: $200/hour
Tagline: ?Be a Man!?
Description: Everything little Billy needs to make the jump from boy to man.
Hazards: Enclosed penicillin needle not suitable for households with very young children.
Comment